Songs
by Crowsnight66
Summary: A collection of song fanfictions. Most are Yullen, but there are some just about everyone's favorite DGM gang. All are one-shots. Some funny, some sad, and some romantic. Present day AU. Please READ and REVIEW!
1. Forever

**WARNING: This story is rated T for shounen-ai/yaoi and friends with benefits relationships.**

**Summary: Allen knows it isn't right, Kanda and him having sex without a relationship. Will it last forever? Or will he realize that he needs a relationship?**

**Disclaimer: I don't own DGM, the characters, or this song.**

_**Forever**_

_Original Song: "Forever" by The Birthday Massacre_

**Today is the first of our numbered.**

**We're never asleep.**

I lie with my eyes open, staring at Kanda's back as he sleeps. Sometimes, I wish he would hold me. Sometimes, I wish he wanted the relationship that I did. A friend with benefits wasn't my idea, but it was better than nothing.

Rolling over, I silently sigh, nuzzling into the blankets. When we were together, I pretend that he loves me, not just my body. I pretend that his comments were about me as a person and not the reactions he can draw out of me by licking here and squeezing there. Kanda probably doesn't realize I feel like this. Not that he would care.

Exorcists have to find happiness somewhere, don't they? No one knows if tomorrow is there last day, or maybe that's next week. But one thing's for sure. When I'm with Kanda, I feel like that's far away, but that doesn't mean it's not on my mind. Maybe if he just kissed me goodnight or held me closer to him, I might get some sleep.

**Sometimes, there's a voice when I close my eyes.**

**Sometimes, I can't hear you speak.**

Neah constantly haunted me. His voice echoed through my mind. His golden eyes watched me when I closed my eyes.

Should I fear that something would happen? One night, I might be doing something perverted with Kanda and Neah may take over my body. What would happen? As much as he hates to admit it, probably to himself, too, the bluenette is vulnerable when he's with me. There is a deeper level of trust one must have to let one's body be as open as ours are to one another.

The thoughts of what could happen cause me to drift. I can't hear the people around me, and it's like I'm in a nightmarish pit. That voice that reminds me that I'm different. That voice that tells me that I'm not safe to be around.

I have to pretend constantly. The fake smile glued to my face wherever I go until I get back to my room, or sometimes I find relief in the forest behind the Order, screaming and crying in a place that no one can hear my misery.

**Did you learn to take cover?**

**Or are you running away?**

Kanda had a lot on his mind, too. I know that. He won't tell me what it is, even though I've asked. It was only once, but he got extremely angry with me.

But even though he won't say anything, I know it has something to do with that lotus hourglass. One night, I woke up when his bathroom door opened, and he sat down just to stare at it. There's no way on Earth that I mistook the tear rolling down his cheek.

Sometimes, I can tell that he uses me to forget about the world around us. I guess I don't mind that much, but I can see it in his eyes. They're distant, even when he's staring directly at me, and I recognize the pent up feelings.

**And you see right through me.**

**This shouldn't last forever.**

**We're so close,**

**But now it's time to say goodbye.**

Kanda's different from everyone else around me though. When we're together, he peels away the layers that encase me, and I don't know why, but I feel safe.

I still remember the first time something like that happened:

_The back of my knees hit the bed, ending with Kanda hovering over me, and I allow him to press his lips to mine again._

"Don't pretend like you don't know I'm here."

_I push away the voice, focusing on Kanda's tongue sliding sensually against mine, and I push up, flipping us over so that he was under me. Of course, the bluenette wasn't very fond of this idea, glaring at me, but I ignore him, beginning to work on the buttons of his uniform._

"_You know, this would be much easier if you didn't wear so many layers," I mumble as he shrugs the robust material off his arms, and I quickly pull his muscle shirt over his head. He doesn't reply, but I didn't expect him to._

"Why would he want to be with someone who's cursed?"

Shut up,_ I growl in my mind, massaging Kanda's biceps while I kiss down his chest, stopping at his nipple._

"The only reason he wants you is because of your body. You aren't special to him."

_I stop my movements, trying to refocus my mind to the task at hand. Biting my lip, I stare off to the side, wishing Neah would let me be, but it's not like I can get away from him._

"_Don't pay attention to him."_

_Raising my head, I look at Kanda as he sits up, using his hands on the small of my back to press my body to his, and he watches me through his long lashes, "Neah can say whatever he wants. It's up to you whether it affects you or not."_

"_How did you know it was him?" I ask quietly, searching his eyes for something false. Anything to convince me that he didn't care. I found nothing._

_Raising an eyebrow at me, he says, "You can't fool me with the fake smiles and happiness. Do you think I haven't noticed the way your eyes no longer shine? Or the way that you don't bounce slightly as you walk like you used to? You don't have to pretend when you're with me."_

I couldn't remember the last time I had been so happy. I mean, I hadn't been _happy_ happy, but I had felt like Kanda had actually paid attention to me.

Even though I knew that the sex and closeness meant nothing, I couldn't bring myself to break it off with Kanda. Maybe one day I would, but right now, I'm okay with sleeping with him. That closeness may be fake to him, but not to me.

**You wait for the sun in the morning.**

**I'm waiting for rain.**

"What are you doing up so early, Kanda?" I ask curiously, walking out into the grass beside him. I decided to take a walk to calm my nerves since I couldn't sleep last night, but the sun hadn't even risen yet.

"Meditating," he replied bluntly, and I take note of the position he was in. Lotus flower. Nodding, I ask, "But why so early?"

Opening his eyes to look at me, he says, "The best time to meditate is while the sun is rising. A samurai must be able to wake up before dawn to await the sun."

"I've never really found the sun that interesting," I say, sitting beside him, and I can just barely make out the light beginning to seep into the night sky.

"Why?"

It surprised me that he even asked since Kanda was not the type of person to let curiosity get the best of him, but nonetheless, I respond, "I like rain. It seems like nothing bad ever happens when it rains. My parents abandoned me in the winter, but it didn't start snowing until Mana found me. It didn't rain when he died, or when I lost my arm. And it's so beautiful, you know? Dancing in the rain. Mana used to say, 'Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain', and I guess I've always held on to that."

I shut myself up, realizing I was rambling, and I blush, not looking at the bluenette.

"Interesting."

**Sometimes, you're too close when I close my eyes.**

**For now, you're quiet again.**

Kanda didn't seem willing to move from my side, his arm draped over my body lazily. Somehow, my heartbeat managed to speed up from the proximity of our bodies. Sure, we were close when we had sex, but this was different. This was my version of intimate.

"Kanda?"

He doesn't reply, but he pulls me closer to him, my back pressed flush to his chest, and I smile.

**When this story is over, you'll never want it the same.**

**Did you learn to take cover?**

**Or are you running away?**

I know that this is just something that's temporary. Temporary bliss as most would call it. But even though I know that, I still want Kanda to be with me.

When I feel weak, he protects me in his own way. When I'm hurting, he notices and tries to make me feel better discreetly. At least, that's how I see it. Maybe he just wants sex. It really wouldn't surprise me if that's all he wants, but I can still dream.

I realize that I'm running from the world by doing this, by sleeping with Kanda without having a relationship. It does bother me that I'm being used, but I don't want to take away the slightest connection I have to him.

**And you see right through me.**

**This shouldn't last forever.**

**We're so close,**

**But now it's time to say goodbye.**

**Talk to me.**

**This voice is the faintest I've heard in the longest time.**

"_You know…used…nothing…."_

I moan as Kanda latches on to my nipple, swirling his tongue around the bud slowly and rolling the other under his thumb. Neah's voice was nearly silent. Kanda made it fade away.

"Ka-Kanda…" I pant, wrapping my legs around his waist as if he would leave if I didn't.

I wasn't strong enough. My mind was fuzzy and clouded with want and desire that burned inside my soul. Kanda's body, hands, and tongue on my body felt right, and I couldn't bring myself to hold that in, moans pouring from my mouth.

"Someone will hear you, Moyashi," he muttered in irritation. I don't react to the nickname, feeling myself sadden. How many times had I imagined Kanda saying that he wanted me to scream his name? How many times had I imagined him doing the same, my name falling multiple times off his lips?

"_Annoyance, he just wants to feel your body around him. Not you. Your body."_

**Now that it's tired, do you pretend?**

**You know I do.**

"Hey, Allen!" Lavi greets as I sit with him and Lenalee, my two dozen plates wobbling dangerously. Smiling the best I can, I say, "Hey, how have you guys been?"

Lenalee blushes violently, eating her salad silently, and her boyfriend replies suggestively, "We were great last night. I'm surprised you couldn't hear―Hey!"

The girl smirked while Lavi rubs his victimized leg.

"Good to know," I say happily, beginning to eat my food, and he begins telling a story about a mission he had gone on a few weeks ago.

_I wish Kanda and I were like that,_ I thought, nodding and laughing at the appropriate times. I don't know what Kanda does in his time around humanity. Maybe he doesn't have to pretend like I do because it doesn't affect him like it does me.

At that moment, the bluenette sat down beside me, ignoring the rest of us while he silently enjoys his soba. Lavi and Lenalee don't acknowledge his presence, probably because they knew he wouldn't say or do anything in response.

_Are you acting? Or are you just that relaxed around people? Would you be like this if we hadn't ever slept together?_

My telepathy skills were lacking since he doesn't reply, but that doesn't keep me from wondering.

**Do you want to see this to the end?**

**You know, you know I do.**

Sitting quietly on Kanda's bed, I wait for him to return from training. I knew that he went directly to the training room after dinner before coming back at sunset. I really did pay a lot of attention to him.

But was that a good thing? Kanda obviously doesn't feel the same way as I do, but I continue to dream, praying for something to change. Maybe Kanda would grow a heart. Maybe he might take me out on a descent date. Maybe he'll love me the way I love him.

"_Why would he do that? You're worthless!"_

"Moyashi?" Kanda asked. I hadn't even noticed the door opening, but I don't react to the thought. While he props Mugen against the wall, I say, "Um, I had a question to ask you."

"Then stop being an annoyance and get on with it."

**And you see right through me.**

I hesitate for a minute, looking down at my lap. The bed sinks down beside me, and Kanda asks, "What? It's not like you to think over something. You jump in head first."

"I-I was just wondering…um…" I trail off, still not sure how to say this, but I decide on asking directly. "What are we exactly?"

**This shouldn't last forever.**

Kanda doesn't seem caught off guard by the question, and I continue, "I mean, we don't have a real relationship, do we? It's not like this is something that we can do forever."

"What do you think the relationship is?"

I stop, not sure how to answer his question. For the most part, I think I just went along with it.

"I feel like we're using each other for pleasure, but there's no meaning behind it. I-I don't think that's what a real relationship should be about," I say quietly. Directing my eyes to his, Kanda asks, "Have you kissed anyone other than me?"

"Road?"

My answer seemed to amuse him, but he doesn't push anymore on the matter. No, he just pushes his lips to mine.

At first, I found this counterproductive, but as his lips move against mine, I felt something spark inside me. This was different from all the other times he's kissed me. His tongue teases my lips lightly until I open them willingly, finding the gentleness something odd but not something I was unhappy about. I couldn't feel the normal lust and desire radiating from Kanda as I melt into his arms that had somehow gotten around me, and it felt passionate. It felt like he was earnestly kissing me, not just trying to get me to spread my legs.

When he pulled away, I pant, "What…was that…for?"

**We're so close.**

"I don't just want your body," Kanda says, waiting for my reaction.

"But you still want my body."

"It's pleasurable, but I'm not sure exactly what else it is. I just…I just don't want you to leave," he says, looking away. Did that mean he loved me? I wasn't sure.

Taking a breath, I finally reply, "Kanda, I want something more than just having sex with you. I feel more for you, and for a long time, I was okay with this, but I just can't anymore."

Raising his head as I stand he asks, "What does that mean?"

**But now it's time to say goodbye.**

Smiling sadly, I whisper, "It means that I need time by myself, and I want you to decide what you want. Either you want something serious or you don't."

Giving him a kiss on the cheek before turning to the door, I walk towards it, my hand on the knob when Kanda calls, "Wait!"

**Talk to me.**

I stop, but I don't turn around, waiting for him to continue.

"What do you want me to do?"

"I want you to make a decision. I'll wait for you," I reply, voice cracking. After a moment, he says, "But I―"

"Goodbye, Kanda," I say, tears slipping down my cheeks as I walk out the door.

**This voice is the faintest I've heard in the longest time.**

**Author Note: So was it any good? Should I do more? I want to hear from you, so please, Please, PLEASE review!**


	2. Nobody's Home

**WARNING: This story is rated T for cutting, shounen-ai/yaoi, and mentions of rape (shotacon form).**

**Summary: Kanda knows that Allen is acting, that he isn't happy. That he's fake. Can Kanda get through to him? Or will Allen realize that it's always the same? Nobody's ever home.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own DGM, the characters, or this song.**

_**Nobody's Home**_

_Original Song: "Nobody's Home" by Avril Lavigne _

**I couldn't tell you why she felt that way.**

**She felt it every day.**

Allen sat down next to me in the cafeteria, smiling and greeting the rabbit and his girlfriend cheerfully.

Why was it that he ticked me off so much? Ever since he got here, I found that all I could do was pick fights with him, but that's not what bothered me.

He was fake. The smiles. The laughter. The halcyon behavior. All of it. Fake.

Every day when I saw him, I found myself getting angry at how well he hid his sadness. Allen could fool everyone else, but not me. I could see the sorrow in his eyes, the liquid chromium swirling with despair and loneliness, and I saw the flickers of self-hatred occasionally when no one was looking.

When we trained together, he pushed himself to the limit, not stopping until he felt like he had done an outstanding job. Or passed out from dehydration or exhaustion. Whichever comes first. Sometimes, I wonder if he's waiting for approval.

To tell the truth, I don't know why he feels this way. All I knew was that he did.

**And I couldn't help her.**

**I just watched her make the same mistakes again.**

I growled in frustration, staring at the dust that used to be Innocence on the ground. A white-haired head hung in defeat, mourning over the lost fragment, and I watch him, seeing the tears roll down his cheeks.

"Come on, Moyashi," I say, hoping to get a reaction from him, but all he does is nod and stand, beginning to walk towards our hotel.

Stupid Tyki Mikk had destroyed the Innocence we came to collect. Allen was bringing it back to the hotel, but the Noah attacked him, leading to the current predicament. Technically, it was the teen's fault, but I wasn't going to tell him that. He already knew that.

When we get back to the hotel, Allen immediately curls up in his bed, blankets pulled up to his nose, and he was the exact same way after I got out of the shower.

"Go take a shower," I order, sitting on my bed closer to the door.

"I'll take one in the morning," he replies quietly, his back still turned to me. Fed up with his attitude, I stand, moving to his bed and leaning over him, and I say, "Look at me."

After a moment, he does, and I'm slightly taken aback by his puffy, red eyes looking up at me. His bottom lip is quivering, tears still rolling down his flushed cheeks, and I continue, "Stop blaming yourself. Everyone's lost Innocence at some point."

"But it is my fault!" Allen protests, choking back another sob. "I'm a useless exorcist."

"_Stop it_," I growl in annoyance, but he'd already turned away, shudders running through him. Going back to my bed, I turn out the light, getting comfortable.

**What's wrong, what's wrong now?**

**Too many, too many problems.**

**Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.**

My meditation is interrupted by the sound of someone running.

Glancing behind me, I see Allen bolting out of the door of the training room and into the grass I was settled in, but seeing me, he stops, and I notice the tears staining his cheeks.

"Oh, I-I'm sorry, Kanda. I'll l-leave," he hurriedly says, beginning to turn away. I stop him, "No, come back."

He glances at me, hope shining in his eyes, and I gesture to the grass beside me. Hesitantly, the whitette sits next to me, looking down at his lap.

"Why are you crying?" I ask, hating myself for the concern I allowed to leak into my voice.

"It's nothing."

"If it's nothing, why are you bawling like a two-year-old?"

He doesn't reply, refusing to look at me, and I continue, "You'll feel better if you get it off your chest."

Sniffling, he says, "A couple of finders were making fun of me because I'm gay, and they were talking about my past."

"You're gay?" I ask, surprised by this information. Seeming ashamed of this, Allen nodded, more tears spilling over his eyelids, "Do you hate me now?"

"I hate you anyways," I deadpan, but he doesn't appear affected by my words, and he doesn't even throw an insult at me. "Why would I care if you're gay? I really don't look at you differently just because you want to be screwed instead of vice versa."

At this, he finally looks at me, eyes shining with trust as he says, "I just don't have a place where I belong."

**She wants to go home,**

**But nobody's home.**

**That's where she lies,**

**Broken inside.**

"What do you mean?" I ask.

Hugging his knees to his chest, the beautiful boy stares towards the forest, eyes clouded with thought, "It's nothing."

"Would you shut up with the 'it's nothing' crap and tell me?!" I growl, royally aggravated at this point.

"I-I'm just…I'm alone," he whispers, tears beginning to well in his eyes again.

"No, you're not. You've got plenty of friends," I reply, not really understanding what he was getting at. He doesn't respond, again lost in thought.

What does he mean by "I'm alone"? People are all around him, so how can he say he's alone? It's not like they're just people, either. They're his best friends. Alone?

After a moment, I press, "Tell me what you mean by that."

"I always wanted to be able to come home to a real family that loved me," Allen stated seemingly out of the blue. "That's not abnormal, right? It's okay to wish for something like that, right, Kanda?"

The boy turns his somber gaze to me, waiting for me to reply, and I say, "No. No, that's not weird at all."

**With no place to go,**

**No place to go,**

**To dry her eyes.**

**Broken inside.**

He looks down, "I just want someone to hold me when I cry. I mean, I know that I'm supposed to be some sort of stoic man, but I can't help that I act like a girl half the time."

_Why don't you ever say this to anyone else? _I silently question, watching the whitette stare at nothing. He looked so at peace on the outside, so bubbly and effervescent, but was this really the same Allen I've always known? It wasn't right. His eyes should be lively, not dead and jaded. His face should be smiling and joyous, not tear-stained.

Something stirred inside me. I'm not sure what, but whatever it was, it caused me to reach out.

Slipping an arm around Allen's waist, I gently pull him to me, allowing him to cling to me and nuzzle his face into my chest. This wasn't me. Yu Kanda doesn't show emotion. Ever.

"K-Kanda...?" Allen whimpered questioningly though he pressed himself closer to me. Stroking his hair softly, I murmur, "You aren't alone."

He doesn't reply, and I can feel the tears beginning to seep through my muscle shirt, but I didn't care. What I did care about was that he was holding onto me like I was a lifeline, tears streaming down his cheeks.

For some reason, I felt like if I let go of him, he would break into a million pieces like a dropped vase, and courage welled up inside me. Leaning closer to him, I hesitantly kiss the tears out of the corners of his eyes.

Allen looked up at me, eyes wide with shock, but he had stopped crying, giant gleams still highlighting his big chromium orbs, and he asked, "W-what was that for?"

Instead of replying, I press my lips to his softly, waiting for his reaction. It didn't take long for him to start move his lips against mine, wrapping his arms around my neck.

**Open your eyes,**

**And look outside,**

**Find the reasons why,**

**You've been rejected.**

(One month later)

"Thank you," Allen whispered, leaning his head back against my chest as he gazed at the stars.

"For what?" I ask, my arms securely wrapped around his body. He was seated between my legs with his back to my chest, and the moon smiled down at us. Holding my arms, he says quietly, "For being with me."

I give him a chaste kiss on his cheek in reply, finding it cute when he giggled because my eyelashes tickled his skin. His eyes continued to stare at the stars twinkling in the night sky, and I watched the orbs glitter in awe. It was much more beautiful when the stars were reflected in his silver pools, the lights twisting and twirling to accommodate the shape of them. Allen's skin was like silk on mine, smooth and unblemished, and though it was pale, I found that it fitted him perfectly, regardless of what others thought.

"People are continuously rejecting me," he said seemingly out of nowhere. "Because of my hair. Because of my scar. Because I'm ugly."

**Be strong, be strong now.**

**Too many, too many problems.**

**Don't know where she belongs,**

**Where she belongs.**

Pulling him closer to me, I protest, "You are _not_ ugly. You're absolutely breathtakingly gorgeous."

"You don't have to lie to make me feel better," Allen murmured, looking down. Cursing in frustration, I say, "A samurai never lies. Ever. I've told you that."

"But―"

"I don't want to hear it. People are also heartless morons that don't know what true beauty is. You're _different_, but that's not the same as ugly or worthless."

Moving so he was on his knees and facing me, the whitette asked, "Then why do you see through that?"

"I'm not a fool."

**She wants to go home,**

**But nobody's home.**

**That's where she lies,**

**Broken inside.**

**With no place to go,**

**No place to go,**

**To dry her eyes.**

**Broken inside.**

"I know you're not," Allen said, placing a hand on my chest, and he begins pushing me down. Complying, I quickly find myself on my back with him lying on me, his face nuzzled into my neck, and I chuckle, "And here I thought I'd get a treat."

Giggling, he replies, "Nope. I'm not calm enough to do anything right now, and besides, you wouldn't be satisfied."

"I'm satisfied by just being with you," I say, stroking his hair.

"Me, too," he murmured.

When we started dating, Allen told me that he didn't want to have sex until he was married. I can't say I wasn't disappointed, because I really was, but I was willing to pledge abstinence if it meant I was able to be with him. Sex isn't everything in a relationship, and I didn't want just physical. I wanted an emotionally intimate relationship with him. Besides, one day I may propose. It's legal in the area the Order is placed.

"Do you ever feel like we're fighting for nothing? Like the war is pointless? It doesn't seem like we'll win, and it just causes pain and suffering," Allen asks, playing with the hair framing my face, and I wouldn't be surprised if he was doing in unconsciously. He does it all the time in his sleep.

"More or less, but we don't have a choice in the matter. Why?"

"No reason," he mutters, but I could tell there was something. I wasn't going to push though.

**Her feelings she hides.**

"Allen?" I ask, sitting up to find my bed empty. Glancing around in the darkness, I notice light struggling to pour into the room through the bathroom door, and I kick the blankets off of me, standing.

Quietly, I walk towards the door, and my hand was raised to knock when I catch the sound of crying.

**Her dreams she can't find.**

Again, I ask, "Allen?"

"I'm fine. Just go back to sleep," he replied, his voice cracking horrendously. Ignoring him, I put my hand on the knob and turn it, finding it locked.

"Why won't you let me in?"

"Please, just leave me alone!" he begs, but the more he said, the more I wanted to break down the door.

**She's losing her mind.**

Continuing to turn the knob even though I knew it did no good, I say, "Allen, please, open the door."

"Kanda, I'm fine. Really. Just go back to bed, and I'll be in there in a bit."

"No."

"Please―"

"No," I interrupt. "Open the door."

There's a moment of silence, and I was about to start trying to convince him again when there was click. Opening the door, I stare in shock at what I see.

**She's fallen behind.**

"Save me the lecture, and just leave," Allen muttered, looking away from me.

His sweatpants were gone, revealing dozens of scars crisscrossed on his thighs, and he was pressing gauze to his right, a bloody razor lying beside him. Tears continued to run down his cheeks as I kneel down beside his body, pressing down on his hand to stop the blood flow from the obviously new cuts.

"I'm not going to leave you. Why would you think that?" I ask quietly, using my other hand to wipe away his tears.

"It's disgusting that I would do this to myself," he whispered, still not looking at me.

**She can't find her place.**

Moving his chin so that he was looking at me in the eyes, I say, "It's not disgusting. I can't say that I understand it, but if you told me why, I'd at least listen."

His chromium eyes glimmered with hope, and he nodded. "Okay."

After he dressed the wound, we sat on my bed. Well, I leaned against the wall while Allen lied perpendicular to me with his head in my lap.

"I can't really even think of how to explain any of it," the whitette said after several minutes of silence. "It just takes away the pain."

I was very confused to say the least. "How does self-inflicting pain take away pain?"

Playing with a loose thread on the comforter, he replies, "I'm not sure. The physical pain takes me away from what's hurting me internally."

"Like what?"

"The bullying. Never feeling like I can trust another person."

**She's losing her faith.**

Even though I was supposed to be focusing on him, I couldn't help feeling hurt by his last statement. "You don't trust me?"

Allen pauses, seeming to think over his words before he says, "No. Sure, I believe that you won't hurt me physically. If I needed help in battle, everyone would rush to help, but I'm talking about my emotions. The last time I trusted someone, I got hurt."

"How?"

Shuddering, he begins to cry again, tears pouring from his eyes. "Even though I didn't like him at all, I trusted Cross."

"Cross is dead, Allen. What does he have to do with anything?" I ask, concerned. Taking a breath, he quietly says, "One night, he was horribly drunk. It was almost two in the morning when he got back, and I was already asleep. He came into my room and started talking to me like I was a prostitute or something. I didn't think much of it because he was just drunk after all, but at the time, I couldn't activate my Innocence or use it properly when he…he…."

_Don't say it. Please, don't say what I think you're going to say,_ I silently beg to no avail.

"He raped me."

**She's fallen from grace.**

"Why didn't you tell anyone?" I whisper in horror. Rolling over so his face was in my stomach, Allen replied, "He didn't remember. Since then, I haven't trusted anyone."

He seemed to curl in on himself, bringing his knees up until they nudged my side and nuzzling into my naked abs, and I comb my fingers through his white locks. After a moment, I murmur, "You can trust me, Allen. You don't have to hide."

Sniffling, he nods. "I know that, but it's not something that I can get over overnight."

**She's all over the place.**

"Then at least stop cutting," I nearly beg, tears pricking the corners of my eyes. Shaking his head, Allen dismisses, "No. I'll cut if I want to. It's not as if I have something to look forward to in life."

"What about me? Why won't you do it for me?"

Glancing up at me, the boy mutters, "Why do you care? It's not like you love me."

"And if I do?" I ask, not breaking the eye contact. The surprise and almost shock was evident in the mercury orbs as he asks, "You do?"

**She wants to go home,**

**But nobody's home.**

**That's where she lies,**

**Broken inside.**

Bending down, and rather uncomfortably I might add, I press an innocent kiss to his cheek. "I love you, Allen."

He seemed like he was either about to explode with astonishment or start dancing with joy. The boy had odd facial expressions that could generally mean two totally different things. That helps so much!

After a minute of silence, I wonder if I should've said anything at all, but that's when Allen's cheeks begin to show a dusting of a blush before he admits, "I love you, too."

"Then why can't you trust me?" I press, feeling like a jerk to some degree.

"Because I've never felt love before. No one's ever loved me, and the ones I thought did always hurt me," he says, looking away from my gaze. "When I come home, nobody's home."

**With no place to go,**

**No place to go,**

**To dry her eyes.**

**Broken inside.**

"But you have me now," I murmur, pulling him up, and I pull him into a strong embrace. Nodding, he whispers, "Don't leave me."

Even though I tell him I will never leave him, I know that it's a lie. I wouldn't have a choice in the matter.

The next month, I had to lie about the black tendrils that had crept up my neck and began licking at my cheek. More and more powerful akuma were appearing in myriads, and in a solo mission, I had had no other option but to use my Third Illusion. Allen obviously knew I was fabricating an excuse on the spot, but he never mentioned it.

But I couldn't keep him from knowing when the same thing happened on a mission we were on together with the rabbit and Lenalee.

"How _could_ you?! Are you trying to kill yourself?!" Allen shouted at me, his eyes heated and swirling with love and anger.

"What did you expect me to do?! Lenalee and Lavi were knocked out, and you were, too, except for Crown Clown fighting for you!" I retort, trying to keep my voice down.

Glaring at me, the whitette continued in the same tone, "I was sure as heck awake enough to tell you not to at the top of my lungs!"

"How else did you want me to destroy three level four akuma and a hundred level threes?!"

"You didn't have to use your Fourth Illusion! Look at yourself!" He pointed to my hip. Though I was shirtless and it would have been easy, I didn't look down. I knew full well that jagged lines were drug across my skin over my back and right hip. Losing my patience, I stand from the bed I had been sitting on, making the height difference my boyfriend and I obvious. "I know what my curse is! You don't have to remind me that when I use it, I'm using up my life! I was protecting you!"

**She's lost inside,**

**Lost inside.**

"I don't need you to protect me, Kanda! I can take care of myself," he growls, turning away and walking towards the door furiously. His hand on the knob, Allen looked over his shoulder at me, tears spilling over his eyelids. "I should never have trusted you. Nobody's ever home."

When the door slams shut, I felt like punching myself. What kind of moron was I?!

"Wait!" I yell, rushing out the door, but Allen was gone.

**She's lost inside,**

**Lost inside.**


	3. Heart Attack

**WARNING: This story is rated T for shounen-ai/yaoi.**

**Summary: Allen doesn't understand why he feels like this around Kanda. He doesn't act himself and he finds that he wants to hold the bluenette's hand.** "**When we break apart, I place my forehead on Kanda's chest. 'I think I'm going to have a heart attack.'" **

**Disclaimer: I don't own DGM, the characters, or this song.**

_**Heart Attack**_

_Original Song: "Heart Attack" by Demi Lovato_

**Putting my defenses up,**

'**Cause I don't wanna fall in love.**

**If I ever did that,**

**I think I'd have a heart attack.**

"Hey, Allen!" Lavi said as I set my mountain of plates on the table. Lenalee already had her hands up in an effort to protect herself if it did fall, but Kanda simply rolled his eyes. "Moyashi, must you eat so much?"

Sticking my tongue out at him, I say, "Yes. Yes, I must. Why, do you want me to collapse on the battlefield and then have to carry me back to the inn?"

"You would be left for dead," he says simply before he takes a bite of his soba.

"That's harsh. I wouldn't leave you."

"I wouldn't collapse, and if I somehow did, you wouldn't be able to carry me."

"I did in Mater!"

Kanda narrows his eyes at me, but says nothing more. Ha! I knew he couldn't refute that!

Lenalee glances at me, giving me a worried look while Lavi eats silently for once, his expression almost disappointed. I didn't understand what their issues were, but as I dug into my food, the girl whispers in my ear, "Do you like Kanda?"

I nearly choke on my rice and stare at Kanda in horror. He looked up from his soba. "Why are you staring at me? You look like someone told you that Cross was coming to visit."

I gulp.

**Never put my love out on the line.**

**Never said 'yes' to the right guy.**

**Never had trouble getting what I want,**

**But when it comes to you, I'm never good enough.**

"So would you want to go out to a movie sometime?" Lavi asked. I glance at him. "Like on a date?"

He nods. "Yeah."

I think about this for a moment before I shake my head. "I'm sorry, Lavi. I love you with all my heart and I'd do anything for you, but that's as a friend, not a boyfriend. Maybe we could with Lenalee and Kanda as a group, but not as a couple."

He smiles, but I could see the underlying disappointment. "No, that's fine! I'll see you around, 'kay?"

I nod, and he walks down the hall going to his room.

Geez, that was the second time someone's asked me out this week, and it was only Thursday. Maybe I should put a sign on my back that says "not interested." I sigh, walking into the training room, and I see Kanda, who was shirtless and sweating. He stops his movements with Mugen. "What do you want?"

"I need a sparring partner," I say, and he nods. I remove my jacket and lay it next to the wall as Kanda asks, "What was Lavi talking to you about? He looked on edge all through lunch."

I run a hand through my hair. "He asked me to go to the movies with him, but I turned him down."

"Gets annoying."

"What? Lavi?"

He shakes his head. "You're lucky that you only have a few guys with some screws in their heads loose. Those fangirls confess to me every day."

"Poor BaKanda."

"Shut up, Moyashi."

"It's Allen! How hard is it to remember?!"

"It's not hard to remember. I just like to annoy you," he deadpans, and I sigh. One of these times, I'm going to whack him.

**When I don't care,**

**I can play 'em like a Ken doll.**

**Won't wash my hair,**

**Then make 'em bounce like a basketball.**

I step out of the dressing room with a leather jacket on, looking at myself in the mirror. Lenalee twirls her finger, and I turn. After a minute, I say, "It feels weird."

"Have you ever worn leather before?" she asks, and I shake my head. She sighs. "Kanda can rock a leather jacket better than any guy I've ever seen."

"You got him in one?"

"We were on a mission and undercover to a certain extent. He can drive a motorcycle, too."

I blush at the mere thought, but Lenalee continues, "Anyways, the skinny jeans are great."

"I wouldn't think that they were this comfortable."

"It takes a certain body type. Next, a t-shirt."

Oo_oO_Oo_oO

I never really figured out the point of that shopping trip. Lenalee invited me, something about a new purse, and then she made me buy several outfits. Though I realized why she picked out the ones she did when I walked into the cafeteria the next day.

I roll my eyes as whistles sound from a group of finders, male and female. What was the big deal? I wore a t-shirt that said "No boyfriend. No problem," and skinny jeans with rips all over them, none above my mid-thigh though. It wasn't like girls didn't wear this sort of thing. They do all the time. So why was everyone staring at me?

When I sit down, Lenalee says, "I'm so proud."

"Of what? Me for some reason? Or yourself for picking out this outfit?"

"Both," she giggles. I roll my eyes again. "Right."

Kanda raises an eyebrow as he inspects me. "That's definitely a new look."

"Lenalee made me get it. I still don't understand why people feel the need to stare though," I mutter, glancing around. Kanda says, "Me, neither. You can make the Grinch look as sexy as Megan Fox."

"Thanks. I'd say the same about you and Miley Cyrus."

He glares at me.

**But you make me want to act like a girl,**

**Paint my nails and wear high heels. **

**Yes, you make me so nervous,**

**That I just can't hold your hand.**

I glance at the outfits on my bed. There was still time for me to get ready, but I'd been staring at the two shirts for the past ten minutes and every time I went to pick one up, I shake my head and lay it back down. Would the one that says, "Watch out. I'm a B ! $$ Uke" be too flashy? But my Three Days Grace band tee was a little too big. After another few minutes, I walk up behind Lenalee. "Okay, I'm here!"

"Finally! We've been waiting forever!" Lavi exclaims with a grin.

When we begin to walk to the movie theatre, Lenalee says, "I love your shirt, by the way."

I smile in relief. "Thanks."

"Not surprising that you would be an uke," Kanda mutters. Glaring at him, I say, "For the record, I took three different tests online and got Romantic Seme every time."

He rolls his eyes. "Yeah, right."

The only reason I didn't say anything was because we arrived at the theatre. Lenalee asks, "What should we see?"

"_The Purge_," Lavi and Kanda say in unison, and the bluenette glares at the rabbit, probably to warn him not to make a comment about it. I say, "But Lenalee and I are too young to get into an R movie without an adult. You guys are both over eighteen."

"Fine, then something with blood," Kanda growls, obviously not in the mood to look over the options. Of course, Lenalee leaned toward romance, and I was more or less indifferent about it. I've never gone to the movies before, so I'm just happy to be here. Ten minutes later, we sat in the back row of one of the theatres that was scheduled to show _Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid._ Kanda and Lavi sat on opposite sides, but I also felt awkward next to the redhead, so now I'm beside Kanda. Fabulous.

About the time that people started getting eaten, I decided that this was not the type of movie I wanted to see in a theatre. Don't get me wrong; it's a great movie, but I'm the type of person that wants something to hold, such as a pillow, while I watch gory films. I jump when a carcass falls out of the tree, closing my eyes and turning my head, and Lenalee leans towards me. "Do you want to leave? We can get some coffee and let Lavi and Kanda watch the rest without us."

I shake my head. "I'm fine. I like these kinds of movies, but I've never seen one in theatre."

She looked unconvinced, but doesn't push it. I look down as the screen shows another bloody scene and notice Kanda's arm on the armrest. For some reason, I find myself wanting to put my hand over his, but I refrain. He would just pull away, curse, and ask what my problem is.

**You make me glow,**

**But I cover up,**

**Won't let it show.**

**So I'm….**

But when two more people get eaten, I finally give in. Somewhat. The armrest was large to an extent, so there was enough room for me to put my arm next to his. Kanda doesn't react when our skin touched, his eyes fixated on the screen. Courage welled inside me as I placed my pinky and ring finger of his, but this time, he looks at me. Pretending I don't know what's going on, I quickly avert my eyes from him and stare at the screen. Out of the corner of my eye, I see him look forward again, and I inwardly sigh in relief.

With as much stealth as possible, I move my hand over his a little more, and he leans over to whisper in my ear, "Are you scared?"

"No!" I whisper as if it was ridiculous, but I take in a sharp breath when the anaconda in the beams of the roof is shown and I close my eyes until the man stopped screaming. Kanda finally turns his hand over and twines our fingers together. "You're a bad liar."

I blush furiously and continue to look forward, but even though I will never admit it aloud, I felt better with my hand in Kanda's. When the movie ended and the lights came on, I hastily removed my hand from Kanda's and tried to pretend nothing happened.

**Putting my defenses up,**

'**Cause I don't wanna fall in love.**

**If I ever did that,**

**I think I'd have a heart attack. **

**I think I'd have a heart attack.**

**I think I'd have a heart attack.**

I stare at my feet as I walk between Lenalee and, much to my displeasure, Kanda. Dang, why did I have to act like such a girl? Maybe I'm not as much of a stoic man as Kanda is, but I'm not the type to freak out during a movie and hold someone's hand.

After a minute, Kanda slows his pace and holds the hem of my shirt while Lenalee and Lavi walk ahead. I glance at the bluenette. "What?"

"You're really going to act like nothing happened?"

I look away from him. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Even as we walk, he takes me by the chin and forces me to meet his gaze. "Don't play that. You know exactly what I'm talking about."

I will never admit how much more quickly my heart beat when his fingers touched my skin and his eyes met mine. I shouldn't feel like this. It wasn't natural. No, that's not right. It was _too_ natural, and I don't plan on falling in love with Kanda anytime soon, or ever, for that matter.

"It was nothing. I just didn't like the movie that much," I lie, pulling away from him and walking faster. Unfortunately, I still hear him say, "Your pulse then and just now say differently."

I ignore him and catch back up with Lenalee. She glances at me. "What was that about?"

"Nothing."

"Are you sure? You look flushed."

"Really!" I insist, smiling.

**Never break a sweat for the other guys.**

**When you come around, I get paralyzed.**

**And every time I try to be myself,**

**It comes out wrong, like a cry for help.**

I curse, much to my own displeasure, and rub my shoulder. "You didn't have to hit me that hard."

"I'm not going to take it easy on you just because you're a Moyashi," Kanda grunted, shaking his right hand. "Moyashi with a hard shoulder."

"It's Allen! Do I need to spell it out?!" I exclaim and stand before I walk back to the center of the training area. He shakes his head and closes the gap between us, pressing his body against mine, and I freeze. "W-what are y-y-you d-doing?!"

"Your tag is hanging out, and it's bugging me," he growled, and I feel his fingers on the back of my neck. Giggles course through me from the feeling, not that I can help that I'm extremely ticklish, but by the time Kanda pulls away, I'm laughing like a madman and I struggle to fill my lungs with oxygen.

"You have issues," the bluenette states. Sticking my tongue out at him, I say, "You're the one who tickled me!"

He shakes his head. "I fixed your tag. You're the sensitive one."

"I'm not sensitive!"

"Moyashi."

"It's Allen, Ba―!" I cut myself short when realization hit me. "Shut up!"

He smirks. "Says the one who's not sensitive."

"You're sensitive to me calling you 'BaKanda!'" I protest. He shrugs. "I can deal by glaring. You feel the need to yell at me."

"It's not yelling! I don't yell at you!"

"Then what is it?"

"Discipline!"

He scoffs. "Right. I have none of that."

"That's the problem. Someone should spank you."

At this, Kanda raises an eyebrow at me. "And I bet you would love that, wouldn't you?"

"Yes! I mean, no!" I struggle to collect my thoughts. "Stop confusing me!"

"Simple question."

"I don't want to spank you!"

"But you want to see someone spank me. What kind of fetish is that?"

"I don't have a fetish!" I shout, aggravated.

"Really?"

"Really!"

"Why are you trying so hard to convince me?"

"Because you annoy me!"

"Right."

Finally, I give up.

**It's just not fair.**

**Pain's more trouble than love is worth.**

**I gasp for air.**

**It feels so good, but you know it hurts.**

I walk down the hallway to my room. It was probably nine at night, but I had wanted to watch the sun go down. Most people were in their rooms at this point, which was why I didn't expect to see Kanda.

"What are you doing out?" I ask curiously.

"My shower is broken, so Lavi let me use his. What about you?" he asked, falling into step beside me. I smile. "I watched the sun set. It was really beautiful."

"Sounds like something Tiedoll would say."

"What so bad about that?"

"I can only handle one of him," he mutters before he pauses. "Though I can only handle one of you, too."

"Is that an insult?"

"I think."

"You think?"

In a swift movement, Kanda pins me to the hallway wall, holding my hands hostage above my head. Not expecting this, I'm frozen for moment, but I quickly recover and try to pull away.

"What are you doing?" I ask while I stare at him. Kanda leans closer to me, until I can feel his breath on my lips as he says, "I think I'm about to kiss you."

He waits a moment, and since I was already on the verge of initiating the kiss, I whisper, "Then stop thinking and do it, stupid."

He takes the opportunity, and I happily oblige, moving my lips against his. Kanda tasted like mint and soba, which wasn't a bad combination, and he was rough yet gentle. It's hard to explain, but even though he kissed me forcefully, when he wanted to deepen it, he probed my lips open instead of biting them, which I didn't expect. His tongue slid against mine, and because I didn't have much experience with this sort of thing, I just let him take over. It felt good either way.

When we break apart, we're both gasping, and Kanda releases my hands. Blushing, I look down. Kanda opens his mouth to say something, but I cut him off, "Um…I'll see you later."

With that, I dart towards my room.

**But you make me wanna act like a girl,**

**Paint my nails and wear perfume for you.**

**Make me so nervous,**

**And I just can't hold your hand.**

Even though I never do, I wear cologne to lunch the next day. Not much. Hardly even a squirt, but enough that I felt weird.

Leaning towards Lenalee across the table, I whisper, "Am I wearing too much cologne?"

She inhales before she whispers back, "No. It smells good though."

At that moment, Kanda sat beside me, and Lavi says, "Hey, Yu!"

"Do not call me that, Baka Usagi!" the bluenette growled. I stare down at my plate, refusing to let him affect how I act, but of course, I wasn't exactly being discreet in my attempts.

**You make me glow,**

**But I cover up,**

**Won't let it show.**

**So I'm….**

"Moyashi."

I whirl around. "It's Allen, BaKanda!"

He doesn't say anything as he walks forward, but when he's in front of me, he says, "You've been avoiding me."

"N-no, I haven't," I stutter and look away. Kanda moves my chin so I have to look at him. "Don't lie."

**Putting my defenses up,**

'**Cause I don't wanna fall in love.**

**If I ever did that,**

**I think I'd have a heart attack. **

**I think I'd have a heart attack.**

**I think I'd have a heart attack.**

Pushing him away, I shout, "I'm not lying! That kiss meant nothing, so just stay away from me!"

Kanda looked unfazed by my words, and unconvinced, and he says, "You really are a bad liar."

"Shut up!"

With that, I run down the hall. I don't stop until I get to my room and I slam the door shut while I pant, falling onto my bed. That stupid, arrogant, mean, sarcastic, emotionless jerk! I hate him! I wish he'd just move to the Asian Branch and stay there!

**The feelings get lost in my lungs.**

**They're burning; I'd rather be numb.**

**And there's no one else to blame.**

**So scared, I take off in a run.**

**I'm flying too close to the sun,**

**And I burst into flames.**

"What should I do, Lenalee?" I ask as I pace across her bedroom. She says, "First, stop pacing. You'll make the floors squeak."

I sit down with a roll of my eyes, and she continues, "I don't understand why you don't want to go out with him."

"I-I…" I trail off, slumping. "I don't know."

"Are you afraid?"

"Afraid of Kanda? Hardly."

"I don't mean that. Are you afraid of falling in love?"

I think over this for a moment. Was I? The last person I loved died. I don't want to feel that pain again, but I think it would be the same if it were any of my close friends. It didn't seem like there was a difference.

Or was there?

Lenalee says, "You know, Kanda does like you."

"Yeah, right," I mutter. She whacks me behind the head. "I'm serious, Allen! Do you really think he would kiss you if he didn't like you?"

"He likes to screw with people."

"You're a moron."

"I know that."

**You make me glow,**

**But I cover up,**

**Won't let it show.**

**So I'm….**

Quietly, I slip into the training area and look for a certain bluenette. Of course, he was training.

"What do you want, Moyashi?" he asks before he takes a drink from his water bottle. Out of habit, I say, "Not a Moyashi."

"Get on with it."

Shifting uncomfortably, I ask, "Do you like me?"

"Clarify the meaning of 'like.'"

"Do you have feelings for me?"

He rolls his eyes. "Did you miss the part where I pinned you to the wall and kissed you?"

I blush furiously. "No, I just…wasn't sure."

"Baka Moyashi."

"BaKanda."

**Putting my defenses up,**

'**Cause I don't wanna fall in love.**

**If I ever did that,**

**I think I'd have a heart attack. **

**I think I'd have a heart attack.**

**I think I'd have a heart attack.**

**I think I'd have a heart attack.**

**I think I'd have a heart attack.**

At some point, we ended up kissing. Not that it wasn't welcome, but it was foreign to me.

When we break apart, I place my forehead on Kanda's chest. "I think I'm going to have a heart attack."


	4. Teardrops on My Guitar

**WARNING: This story is rated T for shounen-ai/yaoi/whatever you want to call it as long as your heart is content.**

**Summary: Allen's in love with Kanda, but Kanda's dating Lavi. Allen wishes he could tell the samurai how he feels, but of course, that's out of question. He'll have to sit and watch Lavi love Kanda instead while he cries in the corner.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own DGM, the characters, or this song.**

_**Teardrops on my Guitar**_

_Original Song: "Teardrops on my Guitar" by Taylor Swift_

**Drew looks at me.**

**I fake a smile so he won't see,**

**What I want,**

**What I'm needing,**

**Everything that we should be.**

I smile as Kanda sits across from me, his boyfriend beside him, and said boyfriend says, "Hey, Allen!"

"Hi," I reply cheerfully. "What are you guys up to?"

"Nothing much. I've got to go on a mission in a few hours, so I want to have lunch with Yu before I leave," Lavi says and gives the bluenette a kiss on the cheek for emphasis, but Kanda just pushes him away and mutters a "don't call me that."

As always, they begin to bicker playfully about Kanda's lack of emotion, and I smile sadly. It was always the same. It had been for the past five months. Kanda and I had been relatively close, believe it or not, before he started dating the rabbit. I guess I lost my chance. I had been trying to work up the courage to admit my feelings, I really had, but Lavi beat me to it. Since then, I try to avoid Kanda as much as possible. Of course, I wanted to be with him, but I didn't want him to realize why. Even Lenalee agreed that we would make a good couple. The mere thought causes me to blush, but I quickly hide it when Lavi asks if I was feeling feverish.

Some things never change.

**I bet she's beautiful,**

**That girl he talks about,**

**And she's got everything that I have to live without.**

"Are you upset that Lavi's being sent on so many missions?" I ask before I take a drink of water from my water bottle. Kanda shrugs. "He may be good in bed, but he knows how to annoy someone."

_I didn't need that information._

"Then why date him if he annoys you so much?" _I bet I wouldn't annoy you if you gave me a chance._

He pulls his fingers through his loose hair absently. "Not sure. He may be an irritating rabbit, but he can be cute when he wants to be."

"Cute? I never thought I'd hear you say that about someone." _No, I think about you saying that to me all the time. Am I not cute? I can be cuter if you want me to._

"He's hot more than anything," Kanda says, and I bite my tongue. I didn't want to think about Lavi being hot or cute. I wanted the samurai to say that to _me_.

"He's lucky," I say. Kanda raises an eyebrow at me. "Why do you say that?"

I smile. "Anyone would be lucky to be with you, even though you're an idiot."

He glares at me. I knew that I could say it without drawing attention to the main statement as long as I added a comment about him being stupid at the end.

**Drew talks to me.**

**I laugh 'cause it's so d #! funny.**

**But I can't even sleep.**

**Any woman, he's with me.**

"If anyone's an idiot, it's you."

"And why is that?" I ask. Seeming to be finding a reason, Kanda says, "You talk to Lenalee all the time."

"How does that make me an idiot?"

"Her lunatic brother rubs off on you."

I stare at him for a moment before I break out laughing. All he did was curse at me, but I couldn't stop, clutching my stomach and struggling to breath. When I finally have enough oxygen in my lungs to speak, I say, "That was just so…un-Kanda-ish!"

"Let me know when your new word makes it into the dictionary," he mutters and takes a sip of his water. "Now get up. I want to wipe the halls with your face."

Oo_oO_Oo_oO

I fall in bed with my face in the pillow. After all that time, Kanda and I managed to get back to a topic involving Lavi. I guess I don't mind it. Not Lavi. No, I really mind that Lavi's dating Kanda, but I mean I don't mind talking about it with the bluenette. Any conversation is better than nothing, and I'm just glad to be close to him, regardless of the differences are in our feelings for each other.

I stare at the ceiling, trying to sleep, but all I can see are images of Kanda and Lavi.

**He says he's so in love,**

**He's finally got it right.**

**I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night.**

I knock lightly on the door, wondering if it was too late to come to Lenalee's. It was well past midnight, but she had told me to come by anytime.

"Allen?" she asks once she had opened to door. I look down. "I'm sorry for coming so late, but I couldn't sleep."

"No, it's fine. Come in," Lenalee invites, and I follow her into her room. Her hair was down, and she wore a black undershirt and animal print, fleece pants. Yeah, she had been asleep.

"So do you want to sleepover? It wouldn't bother me," she says, sitting on the bed. After a moment, I sit beside her. "That would be great. I just…can't sleep on nights like this."

She lays a hand on my shoulder. "I know. I saw him kiss Lavi in the hall."

I feel tears rolling down my cheeks. "I hate him. I hate his guts for making me fall for him and then running off with another guy."

"Kanda probably has no idea you feel like this."

"I don't care," I whisper. "He's a stupid moron if he's that blind!"

Lenalee wrapped her arms around me as I shudder, tears streaming down my cheeks.

**He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar,**

**The only thing that keeps me wishing on the wishing star.**

**He's the song in the car.**

**I keep singing; don't know why I do.**

I sit in the field outside the Order. Fireflies light up around me as they danced, pranced, and glowed, and I smile at their beauty. They didn't have to fall in love. They didn't have to watch the person they love kiss another person with a burning passion and then act like it didn't bother them in the least, smiling, acting, and pretending to be happy for the couple. My heart ached when I thought about it.

I spent so much time alone thinking about it now that I had even given deep thought on what was happening to me. Every time Kanda kissed Lavi, a thorn the size of a peanut M&M was shoved into my heart. I had plenty of those. Then, when Kanda mentioned having sex with the redhead, all of those thorns came out and connected to a briar before they lodged themselves back in. And for the finale, blood oozes from around the thorns and courses through my veins in anger. It wasn't a pretty picture, but it was how I felt.

My eyes wandered to the North Star, and I say, "One wish. I just have one wish. If I can't have Kanda, don't give him to anyone else."

**Drew walks by me.**

**Can he tell that I can't breathe?**

**And there he goes so perfectly,**

**The kind of flawless I wish I could be.**

Kanda rolls his eyes. "And why would I do that?"

"Because I asked nicely?" I say hopefully. "I just want to learn it, and you're the only one who can do it right!"

"There's a reason for that. Moyashi like you can't learn such a complex move."

I frown, stepping in front of him. "I lost my arm and got it back. I saved you, Lavi, Chaoji, and Krory in the Ark. I stood my ground in a fight against Tyki and the Earl. Mind repeating your last comment?"

He smirks. "Getting you worked up is the most amusing pastime anyone could hope for."

"Kanda!" I growl as he walks past me and into the training room.

"Watch carefully. I'll demonstrate once and then teach you," Kanda said, laying his exorcist jacket and Mugen against the wall, and I follow him. He moves to the center of the room, taking a breath before he begins the movement I wanted him to teach me.

In less than ten seconds, the bluenette ducks, back flips, sweeps the feet of an invisible enemy, turns, and easily kicks straight up, his foot going higher than his head before he lands in a crouched position.

"Where did you learn to do that?" I ask in awe.

"You know anything about hip-hop?"

"Hip-hop dancing?"

He rolls his eyes. "No, cooking. Jerry does it all the time. Of course, dancing."

Sticking my tongue out at him, I say, "No need to be rude! And I've seen competitions before."

"Close enough. I used to dance when I was younger and I made my own battle techniques using some dance moves I already knew."

"What?!" I exclaim. "You're joking!"

"No, I'm not. Several years of experience, actually. It was something Tiedoll thought helped with training, and he made Marie, Daisya, and me take a class together."

"Marie and Daisya, too?"

"They failed though. To this day, Marie hates 'Lose Control' by Missy Elliot."

"That's so cool! I want to see you dance!"

He scoffs. "You'll see the day you catch me break dancing in the cafeteria."

I sigh in disappointment, but begin mimicking his movements regardless.

**She better hold him tight,**

**Give him all her love.**

**Look in those beautiful eyes,**

**And know she's lucky cause….**

I quietly eat in the corner and watch Kanda and Lavi as they ate and conversed.

It was pointless to do this, to sit and long to be with Kanda in place of the redhead, but that didn't stop me from doing it. All I could do was use my perfect telepathy skills to threaten Lavi. Not like threaten to kill him or beat him if he doesn't breakup with Kanda this instant. No, nothing like that. I wasn't the type of person to say, "Well, if I can't have him, no one can!" Sure, I asked for that to be the case because it hurt so much, but I wasn't going to let anyone know that. I wanted Kanda to be happy, even if that meant my happiness was sacrificed in the process.

No, I just wanted to make sure Lavi loved him. If I can't nuzzle into his chest at night, I want Lavi to do it for me. He needs to tell Kanda that he loves him in Japanese every night, that way the bluenette knows there was thought behind it, even if Lavi doesn't say it perfectly. When he comes back from mission, the first thing he needs to do is find Kanda and give him a long kiss before he says that he's back, that way the samurai will roll his eyes and call him a Baka Usagi. In the mornings, the redhead needs to get up extra, extra early so he can get the first cup of green tea and bring it back to Kanda, that way he's not in _too_ bad of a mood.

And then, when they sit in the cafeteria just talking like they are now, Lavi needs to realize how lucky he is to have someone like Kanda. Kanda and his long hair. Kanda and his sarcasm. Kanda and his ragged past. But mostly, Kanda and his beautiful, cobalt eyes, the orbs filled with emotions waiting to be uncovered and revived.

**He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar.**

**The only thing that keeps me wishing on the wishing star.**

**He's the song in the car.**

**I keep singing; don't know why I do.**

_Come on, just say it! How hard is 'I love you, Kanda?'_

"What, Moyashi?" Kanda asked. After a moment, I glue a smile to my face. "Nothing, I just remembered that I need to meet up with Lenalee. Bye!"

With that, I leave the confused bluenette and dart to my room with wings on my feet. When my door shuts, I slide to the floor, my head in my hands. Maybe today wasn't the day. Tomorrow. Tomorrow I will most definitely admit my feelings to Kanda.

And I've been telling myself that for the past three weeks. On the bright side though, this was the closest I'd gotten.

What was I even trying to achieve? Do I think that Kanda will leave Lavi for me? As if. He would never do that. I'm just the Moyashi after all. The annoying brat in the corner that eats too much and jumps into danger if someone's the slightest bit at risk. He doesn't see me as a boyfriend. Heck, I'm not sure if he even sees me as a friend.

And if Kanda does leave Lavi for me? Lavi would hate me. We'd never be friends again. But again, Kanda wouldn't do that, so I would just be even more miserable than I am now, if that's possible.

**So I drive home alone.**

**As I turn out the light,**

**I'll put his picture down and maybe get some sleep tonight.**

Sighing, I flip the light switch. Had it always been that simple? The concept, I mean? Kanda will never date me. So why was I trying? I remember when I first realized my feelings for him. Our shoulders brushed, and I felt electricity surge through me, as if Kanda was a battery and I was the paperclip touching both ends. After that, I started trying to impress him. I invited him to train with me, but every time I tried something complicated, I ended up on my back or arse. Of course, he would laugh at me, actually laugh, so it was totally worth it if I got to hear that sweet sound.

**He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar,**

**The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart.**

**He's the song in the car.**

**I keep singing; don't know why I do.**

**He's the time.**

**Take it now,**

**But it's never enough,**

**And he's all I need to fall into.**

"Kanda?" I ask, eating a piece of mitarashi dango. He doesn't look up from his soba. "What?"

"What would you do if Lavi started dating someone else?" I ask. He glances up at that, raising an eyebrow at me, and asks, "First, do you mean cheating or we never dated? Second, why do you ask?"

I shift uncomfortably. "Never dated, and I'm curious."

He shrugs. "There would be nothing I could do about it. Sure, I could get mad, never talk to him again, but that wouldn't help anything. If it made me uncomfortable, I'd stay away from him, but it shouldn't have to be that way."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that love is the worst and best thing in the world. It can create and destroy. Uplift spirits and then sink them right back down. But even though it's tricky, that doesn't mean it has to affect me negatively. I may be upset, but there's no reason for me to dwell on that if Lavi's happy."

I consider this.

**Drew looks at me.**

**I fake a smile so he won't see.**

"Allen? You okay?" Lavi asked. I'm pulled from my memories, remembering that I was still sitting across from Kanda and his boyfriend.

Smiling, I say, "Yeah, I'm fine. What were you saying?"


	5. Rockstar

**Warnings: This story is rated T for absolutely no reason. Other than the song, I guess. Beware; some of the lyrics are probably wrong.**

**Summary: Lavi, Allen, Lenalee, and Kanda have their own party in Lavi's room. At some point, they discuss and sing about being rockstars.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own DGM, the characters, or this song.**

_**Rockstar**_

_Original Song: "Rockstar" by Nickelback_

"Do you guys think we could ever be famous?" Lavi asked randomly, splayed out on the floor between Lenalee and Kanda. I lean back against the bed. "Not really. Why would you want to? Drugs, girls, sex, money, and a mansion. What's so great about that?"

Kanda glances to his left at me. "What's so wrong about that? Not that I want to be famous. I already have a gazillion stalkers already."

"Haven't you heard that song?" Lenalee asked.

"By Nickelback?" I ask. She nods.

Lavi breaks out in song, "I'm through with standing in line to clubs I'll never get in. It's like the bottom ninth and I'm never gonna win. This life hasn't turned out quite the way I want it to be."

"Tell me what you want," I join.

"I want a brand new house on an episode of Cribs."

Lenalee sings, "And a bathroom I can play baseball in."

Everyone looks at Kanda. He growls, "No."

"Please, Kanda?" Lenalee begs, giving him her puppy dog face. Kanda was a great singer, and anyone who'd heard him sing knew that. He rolls his eyes. "And a king-size tub big enough for ten plus me."

Smiling happily, I continue, "Uh-huh, so whatcha need?"

"I'll need a credit card that's got no limit―" Lavi says. Lenalee giggles, "―and a big, black jet with a bedroom in it. Gonna join the mile high club at thirty-seven thousand feet."

"Been there. Done that," I add.

"I want a new tour bus full of old guitars, my own star on Hollywood Boulevard. Somewhere between Cher and James Dean is fine for me," Kanda says, probably against his better judgment.

I smile. "So how you gonna do it?"

"I'm gonna trade this life for fortune and fame," Lenalee sings, twirling her hair. "I'd even cut my hair and change my name."

Lavi jammed out on his air guitar. "'Cause we all just wanna be big rockstars, and live in hilltop houses, driving fifteen cars! The girls come easy, and the drugs come cheap."

"We'll all stay skinny 'cause we just won't eat," I say. The other three raised their eyebrows at me as my eyes widened in horror. "Never! I don't wanna starve!"

"And we'll hang out in the coolest bars. In the VIP with the movie stars," Lenalee continues. Lavi smirks. "Every good gold-digger's gonna wind up there."

Kanda whacks him behind the head. "Every Playboy Usagi with his really red hair."

"Those aren't the words!" the rabbit protested. The Japanese teen sighs. "Every Playboy bunny with her bleach-blonde hair."

"Hey, hey, I wanna be a rockstar!" I say. "Hey, hey, I wanna be a rockstar."

"I wanna be great like Elvis, without the tassels," Lavi says.

"Hire eight bodyguards that love to beat up…buttholes," I add. Lenalee continues, "Sign a couple of autographs so I can eat my meals for free."

Lavi waggles his eyebrows. "I'll have the quesadilla. Uh-huh."

I laugh at him. "I'm gonna dress my…arse with the latest fashion."

Kanda rolls his eyes, muttering about Baka Moyashi. "Get a front door key to the Playboy mansion. Gonna date a centerfold that loves to blow my money for me."

"So how you gonna do it?" Lavi asks. Pulling out Kanda's hair tie before jumping away, I sing, "I'm gonna trade this life for fortune and fame."

"And kill the people that know who I maimed," Kanda growled, tying his hair back up. "I'd even cut my hair and change my name."

"'Cause we all just wanna be big rockstars, and live in hilltop houses, driving fifteen cars. The girls come easy, and the drugs come cheap," Lenalee says. I grimace as Lavi laughs. "We'll all stay skinny 'cause we just won't eat."

"And we'll hang out in the coolest bars in the VIP with the movie stars. Every good gold-digger's gonna wind up there," Kanda says.

"Every Playboy bunny with her bleach-blonde hair," I sing, shaking my head so my white hair went crazy.

"And we'll hide out in the private rooms with the latest dictionary of today's who's who," Lenalee says. I smirk like when I'm playing poker. "They'll get you anything with that evil smile."

Kanda and Lavi continue in unison, "Everybody's got a drug dealer on speed dial. Well, hey, hey, I wanna be a rockstar."

I laugh at Kanda's annoyed face. "I'm gonna sing those songs that offend the senses."

"Gonna pop my pills from a Pez dispenser," Lavi says. Lenalee sings, "Get washed up singers writing all my songs. Lip-sync them every night―"

"―so I don't get them wrong!" Lavi, Lenalee, and I finish together.

Lavi picks up the song again. "Well, we all just wanna be big rockstars, and live in hilltop houses, driving fifteen cars."

Kanda mutters something about idiots. "The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap. We'll all stay skinny 'cause we just won't eat."

"And we'll hang out in the coolest bars, in the VIP with the movie stars," I sing. "Every good gold-digger's gonna wind up there."

Lenalee gives herself bunny ears. "Every Playboy bunny with her bleach-blonde hair. And we'll hide out in the private rooms with the latest dictionary of today's who's who."

Kanda and I grin evilly. "They'll get you anything with that evil smile."

Lavi and Lenalee glance between us in fear. "Everybody's got a drug dealer on speed dial."

"Well, hey, hey, I wanna be a rockstar," I sing. The four of us finish, "Hey, hey, I wanna be a rockstar."

In the exception of Kanda, we all break out laughing. He rolls his eyes. "It's not that funny. And to think the rabbit wants to be a rockstar."

I smile. "Think about it though. He's got girls. He doesn't need money since the Order pays for so much. He's obviously already on drugs of some sort. And he's a rabbit."

"I'm not sure whether I should object to that," Lavi said, seeming to be thinking. Lenalee and I laugh.

After a moment, the four of us agree, "I never want to be a rockstar."


	6. Staring at the Sun

**Warning: This story is rated T for shounen-ai/yaoi.**

**Summary: Kanda and Allen have been dating for years. Kanda doesn't understand how he could've let someone in, but then he realizes why. Allen is like finally coming home, standing in the rain, and staring at the sun. The song Kanda sings is "It's Your Love" by Tim McGraw.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own DGM, the characters, or the songs in the fanfiction.**

_**Staring at the Sun**_

_Original Song: "Staring at the Sun" by Jason Aldean_

**She's like staring at the sun.**

**She could easily blind someone.**

I sit alone in the back of the cafeteria like I always do, eating my soba. But that's when Allen comes in. He sets his mountain of food on the table and sits beside me. "Why are you sitting back here alone, Yuu? Lavi and Lenalee are in here, too."

"Don't call me that in public!" I hiss. "And why would I sit with them? They're annoyances."

At that, Allen frowns. "They're your friends, and you need to stop acting like humanity doesn't exist."

"Che," I mutter and return to my soba.

"Please, Yuu?"

I roll my eyes, but finally give in. "You can bring them over here. I'm not moving."

"Thank you!" he exclaims and wraps his arms around me. Immediately, I shove him off of me, but he continues to beam. As he retrieves the couple, I set down my chopsticks and place my chin on my fist while I watch the cute boy run across the cafeteria. True, he can be sexy and dominating, but at times like this, he's just adorable, and I've never been able to comprehend why I chose such a person to fall in love with.

Allen tells Lenalee and Lavi where I was sitting and turns back, a bright smile on his face. Geez, the boy was going to blind someone if he keeps smiling like that.

Lavi and Lenalee sit across from us and begin to chatter like song birds, only song birds sound better. My boyfriend begins to inhale his food, most of it gone within a few minute, and I glance at him when he sticks a piece of strawberry shortcake in his mouth and chuckle when a dab of whipped cream gets on the end of his nose. Lenalee and the rabbit break out laughing, and Allen stops. "What?"

"Moyashi," I murmur before I lick the whipped cream off his nose. He blushes furiously. "What was that for?"

I smirk. "You had some whipped cream on your nose."

He blushes ever harder, but says nothing. Lenalee and Lavi were silent for once as they gape at me. I ignore them. While I may not be one for PDA, sometimes the Moyashi is just too cute, and I can't help myself. After a moment, I realize that Allen was beaming so brightly that it hurt my eyes. I raise an eyebrow at him. "Huh, like staring at the sun."

"Did you say something?" he asked, glancing up from his mitarashi dango. I shake my head and turn back to my soba.

**Other women, I see none.**

**She's like staring at the sun.**

"You know, Jerry prepares drinks on Fridays. We could go together sometimes," a finder girl said hopefully. I raise an eyebrow at her. "Why would I do that?"

The blonde smiled. "We could always go back to your room afterward. Tequila makes me horny."

I see Allen spying on us from behind one of the stone pillars. Does he think that I'm seriously going to sleep with her? Scoffing, I say, "Tempting offer, but I'll pass."

This time, the girl pressed herself against me. "Are you sure? We can skip the drinks if you want. I'm free."

"Yeah, but I'm taken."

She pulls away, pouting. "Who? It's Lenalee, isn't it? Is she your girlfriend?"

I shake my head. "I don't have a girlfriend; I have a boyfriend."

"What? Who then? Tell me!"

I point behind her. "It's the Baka Moyashi hiding behind the pillar over there."

Allen's eyes widen and he hides quickly.

"Allen Walker? Why him?"

"Why not him?"

"You hate him!"

"I've long since figured out that it's the opposite. Now, if you will excuse me, I have a Moyashi to punish."

I walk around the finder girl, who stomped away, and I move to the pillar. Allen glanced at me. "Are you mad that I was eavesdropping?"

I shrug. "Not really. It's not like the hallway is private property, but I'm slightly disappointed that you thought I would cheat on you."

"I didn't! Really! I mean, when you overhear that kind of conversation, it's not something you just walk away from," he whimpers, looking down.

"That's why I'm not mad," I say, wrapping my arms around his waist. "But it's getting late. Do you want to sleep in my room tonight?"

His eyes light up like the Fourth of July, and he nods. "Please!"

Rolling my eyes at how much meaning he was putting into this, I begin to lead him towards my room. Granted, it was rare that I ever let him sleep in my room unless sex was involved, and even then, I didn't like him being there. It's not that I don't like being with him, because I do, but Allen is a very curious person. He doesn't know anything about my past, and I plan to keep it that way.

**She gets a hold you,**

**Under your skin like a tattoo.**

**She'll always be there.**

When we get to my room, I sit on the bed while Allen stands closer to the doorway, shifting his weight uncomfortably. I roll my eyes. "Are you waiting for permission?"

He shakes his head, but doesn't move, and I continue, "Then what?"

"I just…I'm not in the mood…."

"Who said anything about sex?"

Allen paused and blushed, but after a moment, he sits beside me. "Then what do you want to do?"

"I plan to shower then sleep. You can use my shower if you want."

He smiled. "What if we just take one together?"

Now I blushed. "W-why would I do that?"

"We've taken showers together before."

"After sex, yeah, but not just for the heck of it!" I turn my head to the side. Why did he always get under my skin? And he can only get me like this when he's dominant during sex.

Allen moves my chin so that I had to look at him, and he gently presses his lips to mine. My thought was to push him away, but I knew he would do one of two things. One, he'd get upset and pout until I gave in. Or two, he'd just keep trying until I gave in. So I simply wrap my arms around his neck and open my mouth. Our tongues battle for dominance, but no one wins, which is normal. Neither of us likes to lose to each other, but that became a problem when we had sex for the first time. We were both virgins and didn't have any experience. Sure, we had the general idea, but we didn't know exactly what we were supposed to do. Allen was afraid that if he was seme, he would hurt me, but he didn't want to be uke either. The whitette and I managed to talk it out, and we decided that if we were going to be intimate like that, it shouldn't matter, so being the one who can stand more pain, I was uke. The next night, I was seme, and since then, we just switched back and forth depending on our moods.

Allen pulls away first, but I keep my arms around his neck while his stay around my waist, his fingers twirling the ends of my hair. After a moment, I say, "Fine, but don't start acting like a romantic. You know I hate it when you do."

He rolls his eyes. "No, you just say you do. I've known you long enough to know your reactions and what you like and dislike."

"Which is the problem," I mutter. He just smiles, kissing my cheek before he detaches himself from me and goes to turn on the shower.

**She holds on,**

**Stuck in your head like an old song.**

**She ain't goin' nowhere.**

"Wow, Yuu, I didn't know you listened to music," Allen said as I dug out my iPod. I shrug. "The rabbit got it for me for my birthday several years ago with a playlist already on it. I listen to it every now and then."

I don't tell him that the reason I got it out was for him, but I think he already knows. As much he doesn't seem to be the sort, he loves music. Truly, it doesn't matter what type or genre it is. If it's music, he listens to it. When our relationship first started, I wanted to go somewhere quiet, like the forest, to be together. He didn't mind that, but he always wanted us to be talking. It began to annoy me, and when I finally told him to be quiet, he did, but he immediately lost his light and effervescence. His face went from cheerful to downcast and his shoulders drooped. Against my better judgment, I asked what was wrong, and he told me that he hates silence. Period.

I can't say I understand, but I think that over everything, Allen fears being alone the most. When we're together and I'm not in a talkative mood, as if I ever am, I pick a noisy place or play music. It works well enough.

When we get in the shower, the first thing Allen asks is, "Can I wash your hair?"

"No."

"But―!"

"No."

"Yuu…" he whimpers as I wet my hair under the showerhead. I say, "You know I don't like people touching my hair."

I move switch our positions so that I could shampoo, but I'm met with wide, watering eyes, and their owner says, "So you'll let me lick every part of you, head to toe, but I can't wash your hair because when it comes to that, I'm just any other person?"

"You have trichophilia."

"So what if I do? Does the idea of me getting aroused because of your hair disgust you?"

I didn't think he'd admit it. "No, but I just don't want you washing my hair."

"I know it's not because you don't like people touching it. Give me a real reason."

I turn around and pull my hair over my shoulder, running my fingers through it. This is another reason I don't like Allen. I mean, it's not that I don't like him, but he pays too much attention to me. I like feeling like he understands me and wants to get closer and everything, but sometimes he breaks through that barrier around me. That bugs me.

Suddenly, I feel arms wrap around my waist, and Allen puts his cheek to my shoulder blade as he whispers, "I get it."

"What?"

I feel his lips turn up slightly. "It's because in your mind, as many twists and turns as there are, me washing your hair is something even more intimate than sex, right? It's almost like your virginity."

"Seriously? My hair has virginity?"

"Stop acting like I'm wrong," he says. Sighing, I mutter, "You annoy me."

"But you love me for it."

Again, with him getting under my skin. Allen turns me around, looking in my eyes, and I'm caught in the radiantly silver orbs as he says, "Are you afraid that if you open that to me, I'm going to leave or something?"

"One, I'm not afraid of anything. Two, why would I think that?"

He smiles. "You're a liar."

I don't reply and look away. Why did he have to be right? It's not that I think he'll leave me, but he was spot on with my…uh…hair's virginity. Of course, then he has to continue being right. "I know what it means in Japan to kiss a girl's hair."

"I'm not a girl!" I growl, narrowing my eyes at him. He just laughs. "I know you're not! Now stop changing the subject. It's that, isn't it?"

I look away again.

"I tell you that I love you all the time. Why is washing your hair any different?"

"It just is," I mutter. Anyone can say 'I love you.' I'm not sure why, but I felt like if Allen was going to do something to prove it, he should put up a fight. I've never been one to show him I care blatantly. I do little things, like choosing places he'll be comfortable if we're together. If he wants to, I'll try new things in bed, even if they don't seem like good ideas, and do them again if they make him happy. He knows that and he also knows that I don't like to talk about it. Even though I don't like it, I'll do things to show off our relationship, like licking whipped cream off his nose in the cafeteria or not making a big deal out of him calling me by my given name in public, though I sometimes do if the rabbit is around.

And there he goes, reading my body language like an expert. "Yuu, stop it and let me wash your hair. You won't win this fight."

I don't reply, and he runs his fingers through the tresses that were stuck to my chest. "I want to play with your hair outside of the bedroom."

He turns me again and pulls my hair off my shoulder, and I don't object. He moves the locks for a moment to kiss my neck. "I was slightly worried that you really thought that I was going to leave. I'm not going anywhere."

It takes several minutes, but by the time Allen's conditioning my hair, I say quietly, "I know that. Neither am I."

**She's like standing in the rain.**

**Washes all my cares away.**

**At the end of a long hot day,**

**She's like standing in the rain.**

"How did your mission go?" Allen asked as I fell back on the bed. He watched at me from his bathroom door. "That bad, huh?"

I sigh. "Not bad, just tiring."

Allen disappears for a moment, but even after I close my eyes, I feel the bed sink under his weight before something cold is pressed to my cheek. It wasn't ice cold, just enough to cool and relax me. A wet washcloth.

"What are you doing, Moyashi?" I ask.

"Babying my boyfriend. Is there a problem with that?" he asks in reply, moving the cloth over my face, and I gradually feel myself relax. "You're much more attractive when you don't look constipated."

I crack one eye open to look at him. "Excuse me? And did you say you were 'babying me?'"

He beams. "That I did. I, Allen Walker, am babying my boyfriend, Kanda Yuu."

I don't reply, allowing him to continue down my neck, and after a moment, he begins to remove my jacket and shirt. When he finally gets them open, not off because I didn't feel like sitting up, he massages my shoulders, the washcloth spread out over my abs, and he comments, "You would never have let me do this a few months ago."

I scoff and let my head loll to the side. "I wouldn't let you do it now if I wasn't so tired."

"Come on, you know I give good massages."

"Doesn't mean I'll accept them."

"Yeah, because you don't want to do something in return."

"But I will."

"Like?"

"What do you want?"

Allen thinks for a moment, but his hands just begin down my biceps, and I groan quietly, the tension melting away under his skilled fingers. Eventually, he says, "Will you tell me you love me?"

My breath hitches, and I glare at him. His eyes are openly pleading, but I mutter, "No."

His face had a "well, it was worth a shot" expression, and he continues to work the knots from my body.

That night, actually only a few hours later, Allen lied with his back to me, a pillow crushed in his grasp. It wasn't that late, and I knew he was still upset, which didn't surprise me in the least.

"Allen," I say as I sit up.

"What?" he mutters. I gently pull the pillow from his grip and stand from the bed. "Get up. I want to repay you."

He gives me a confused look, and I stretch my hand out toward him, which I think scared him because I'm never like this. Taking my hand, he hesitantly stands, and I pull him to me. "You know how to slow dance, right?"

He nods. "Yeah, but it's the middle of the night."

"That's the point," I say as we begin to take small steps. I may seriously regret this in the morning, or the rest of my life, but regardless, I begin to sing, "Dancing in the dark. Middle of the night. Taking your heart and holding it tight. Emotional touch, touching my skin, and asking you to do what you've been doing all over again. Oh, it's a beautiful thing. Don't think I can keep it all in. I just gotta let you what it is that won't let me go.

"It's your love. It just something to me. It sends a shock right through me. I can't get enough. And if you wonder about the spell I'm under. Oh, it's your love."

Tears leaked from Allen's eyes as we danced, and I continue, "Better than I was. More than I am. And all of this happened by taking your hand. Who I am now is who I wanted to be, and now that we're together, I'm stronger than ever. I'm happy and free. Oh, it's a beautiful thing. Don't think I can keep it all in. And if you asked me why I've changed, all I gotta doing is say your sweet name.

"It's your love. It just something to me. It sends a shock right through me. I can't get enough. And if you wonder about the spell I'm under. Oh, it's your love.

"Oh, it's a beautiful thing. Don't think I can keep it all in. I just gotta let you what it is that won't let me go.

"It's your love. It just something to me. It sends a shock right through me. I can't get enough. And if you wonder about the spell I'm under. Oh, it's your love. It's your love. It's your love."

I stop singing and hold Allen close to me as he cries. When he finally looks up, even in the dark I can see the gleams in his eyes from his tears, and he asks, "Did…did you m-mean that? A-all of it?"

I nod and kiss his tears away, but more follow.

**She gets a hold you,**

**Under your skin like a tattoo.**

**She'll always be there.**

**She holds on,**

**Stuck in your head like an old song.**

**She ain't goin' nowhere.**

Ever since that night, Allen has been even happier and clingier than before. Of course, I only have myself to blame for that, but I can't say that I didn't expect this to happen. And besides, having my Moyashi glued to my side throughout the day wasn't that bad.

Allen and I sit across from Lenalee and Lavi, but my boyfriend forgot his mitarashi dango, which apparently is the end of the world, and dashed off to get them. Lenalee looks at me questioningly. "What happened to him? Since you got back from Mongolia, he's looked so much brighter."

Lavi rolls his eyes. "I think it's obvious what happened. Yuu let Allen be seme for once."

"Don't call me that!" I growl. "And if you must know, Baka Usagi, Allen and I are both seke. I did something…romantic, if that's what you want to call it, that night, and he's just happy."

"Wow, it must have been something really sweet if it's lasted three weeks," Lenalee says as Allen sits again with three orders of mitarashi dango. Lavi tilts his head in confusion. "What's a seke? I've never heard that term."

Allen glances at me. "Seke?"

"Clueless morons, seke is a mix between seme and uke," I mutter in irritation. The whitette stares at me. "You were discussing our sex life?"

"He thought you were happy because I let you be seme for the first time."

"Oh, no, I was seme the fir―"

I quickly clap my hand over his mouth, but the damage was already done, and Lavi had eyes the size of ceiling fans. "Seriously? Allen topped you the first time?"

"I'm not going to limit the amount of pleasure we can give each other just because I don't want to be uke."

Allen nods. "Let me add to that. We argued for an hour about who would be seme."

"Which isn't that surprising," Lenalee says.

"And he can be dominant while be uke sometimes, which kind of scares me. I can't speak in that position," he continues. Lavi flicks his forehead. "He can keep himself collected because you aren't good in bed. Everyone knows that."

Allen looked hurt by the rabbit's statement, looking at me. "A-am I bad in bed? Tell me the truth."

I sigh and roll my eyes, but before I can reply, my Moyashi whimpers, "I can get better! Just tell me what to do, and I'll improve!"

The boy looked like he was on the verge of tears, and I say, "Moyashi, the Usagi was trying to provoke you so that I'll say you're good in bed."

"What?! Why would I do that?!" Lavi exclaims, but I simply glare at him. He shrugs. "Fine, I was. Now spill. Is Allen good in bed or not? Truthfully."

Allen looked at me expectantly, and I lean back in my chair, watching the redhead. "Sex god. He'd make anyone else scream until their throat was sore, but I have better self-control."

My boyfriend jumped up and put his hands on my thighs as he leaned towards me until our noses were only inches apart. "Really?! Y-you think I'm a sex god?!"

Instead of answering, I pull him down on my lap and clash our lips together, and a few whistles sounded from around the cafeteria. Of course, Allen was shocked that I was doing this in public, but he must not have cared too much because he slipped his arms around my neck and opened his mouth.

When we pull away, Allen pants, "Is that…a yes…?"

"Yes, and am I good in bed?" I ask, pressing the small of his back so he was pushed closer to me. He nods vigorously. "Definitely. If I'm a doctor then you run the hospital."

I smirk. "Prove it."

Lenalee quickly said, "No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Go to Kanda's room if you're going to do that!"

"Why not my room?" Allen asked, glancing at her. Her eyes widened. "My room is next to yours and I want to read later!"

"I vote your room," I say, and Allen nods.

Oo_oO_Oo_oO

When I wake up, the bed is empty, and I sit straight up. "Moyashi?"

I let out a sigh as he opens the balcony door, cool air filling the room, and he asks, "Yeah?"

"Nothing," I say as I lay back down. The air warms slightly when the door closes, and I feel the bed sink down beside me.

"You seemed really freaked out," Allen said and draped an arm over me. I shake my head. "I wasn't."

"I don't believe you."

"And you annoy me."

"Yuu…."

"Just leave it!"

Allen pulled away and sat up, and I immediately felt guilty. Rolling over, I straighten and touched his arm, but he flinched, not looking at me. After a moment, I say, "I'm sorry I snapped at you."

The whitette quietly replies, "It's fine. I know you get like this sometimes after we have sex."

"I don't mean to…."

"I know that. Sometimes I just feel like you don't trust me with it."

"It's not that."

"Then what?" he asked and faced me. His eyes are filled with hurt and concern, and I look away. "Sometimes I wake up and think that you aren't here. It just…it scares me."

Allen pressed a small kiss to my cheek, and I whisper, "I'm always afraid that this was all a dream, a fantasy. Sometimes, at night, I'll wait to wake up, because having you is too good to be true."

"I'm real. I'm here and I'm not leaving," he says as he tucks some of my hair behind my ear.

**She's like finally coming home,**

**And seeing that light in the window on.**

**After being gone too long….**

When I walk into the training room, I see Allen and Lavi wrestling while Lenalee shakes her head. I can't help but chuckle at the sight because they were more or less laughing and batting their hands at one another like kids on a playground. Eventually though, they just fall over and laugh.

"I'm glad to see my Moyashi was well taken care of," I say as I lean against the wall. Allen's eyes lit up with an incredible radiance as he jumped up and barreled into me. "Yuu!"

"Miss me?" I ask with what little oxygen I could get while Allen tries to squeeze my lungs out my mouth. He nodded. "Yes! I'm so glad you're back!"

I roll my eyes. "I couldn't tell."

"Never, ever, ever, ever go on such a long mission ever again! Ever! Promise!"

"I can't help it, and it wasn't that long."

"Nine months is a long time!"

"I hardly kept up with the days."

Allen looked up at me, pouting. "S-so you didn't miss me?"

I kiss his cheek. "I didn't keep up with the days. I just knew that I wasn't with you."

He smiles and continues to crush me.

oO_Oo_oO_Oo

Allen rolled his eyes. "See, I told you it wouldn't be too bad!"

"Bathtubs aren't made for two people unless it's a Jacuzzi, and this is _not_ a Jacuzzi," I mutter, rubbing circles into his back as we lay in the bathtub. Well, I was lying in the bathtub. Allen was on top of me.

Allen smiled. "So? We just get to be closer!"

"Baka Moyashi."

"BaKanda."

Instead of starting an argument, I press my lips to his, but pull away before he can deepen it. Laying his cheek on my shoulder, Allen whispers, "I love you, and you don't have to say it back, but I just wanted to say it."

Gosh, was this boy cute! Sometimes. Sometimes he's sexy, and really sexy at that.

"I love you, too," I reply.

**She's like finally coming home,**

**Standing in the rain,**

**Staring at the sun.**


	7. The A Team

**Warning: This story is rated T for drug abuse, prostitutes/strippers, and shounen-ai/yaoi.**

**Summary: Allen notices that Kanda has been sneaking out at night and follows him. What he sees, he'd never expect.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own DGM, the characters, or this song.**

_**The A Team**_

_Original Song: "The A Team" by Ed Sheeran_

**White lips,**

**Pale face,**

**Breathing in snowflakes.**

**Burnt lungs,**

**Sour taste.**

_Has sleeping always been so hard?_ I wonder as I sip my tea. It was probably four in the morning, but I hadn't been able to sleep at all, so I came to the cafeteria and made an herbal tea to help me to become drowsier. Now I know why Kanda likes tea so much. This stuff tastes incredible!

I nearly jump as the door opens. Even in the darkness, I could see Kanda's long hair, but it seemed weird for him to be up at this hour. I mean, I couldn't say much, but still. In my curiosity, I was about to ask him what he was doing up, but before I can, he sits at the closest table and lets his head hit the wood with a hollow _thunk_. Now I was worried. True, Kanda and I may not get along, but I was still his friend.

Standing from my seat, I leave my tea and walk across the cafeteria, and even when I was only a few feet away, Kanda doesn't raise his head. I ask, "Kanda?"

He jerks and jumps up, glaring at me. "When did you get here?"

"I've been here for the last hour. I couldn't sleep. Why are you here?"

"None of your business," he growls before he walks out of the room.

Since then, I started to pay attention to him. The way he walked slower. The way his eyes darted around more than they used to. The way he refused to make eye contact with anyone. The way that he seemed more flexible while training. But mostly, I saw him sneak out of the Order every night at midnight.

**Light's gone,**

**Day's end,**

**Struggling to pay rent.**

**Long nights,**

**Strange men.**

I felt guilty. I mean, what kind of person follows their friend into a town? It was beyond contemptible.

But even as I think that, I carefully hide in alleys and behind trees and light poles and basically stalk Kanda as he walks down the sidewalk. He was wearing skinny jeans and a leather jacket, which was something that I never thought I'd be able to imagine, let alone see. Maybe he has a girlfriend? Yeah, and what kind of girlfriend accepts dates at midnight? Unless they're….

I shake my head and peer around a brick wall as the samurai walks down an alley. Where was he going? When he turns another corner, I follow and see him unlock a metal door. Storage? But as it opens, pink, purple, and green light streams from whatever was inside along with loud, fast-paced music.

Confused, I see a man walking down the street at the other end of the alley and quickly run towards him. "Excuse me!"

He looks at me, a cigar between his lips as he grunts, "What, Shorty?"

I don't reply to the name and point to the building next to me. "Can you please tell me what this place is?"

"Are you a moron?" he asked, raising an eyebrow at me.

"I'm just curious. I don't know this area," I say. He rolls his brown eyes. "It's just a pole joint."

Confusion washed over me. "You mean a strip club?"

"No, I mean that people bring random poles here and screw them to the ground. Moron."

"Thank you, sir."

I begin to turn away, but the man says, "If you like men, right now is the best time to go."

"Why is that?" I ask. He grins. "Raven Dancer should be getting here sometime soon."

I didn't like where this was going. "Who's Raven Dancer?"

"Sexiest man I've seen. In his late teens, early twenties. Long, blue-black hair. And he knows how to work a pole, that's for sure."

"You don't know his name by any chance, do you?"

"No. Wish I did though so I could get more than a few hours watching him," he says. "I'm not even sure if you could get in though. You sixteen?"

I nod.

"Then you better go in now if you want to see him. Everyone around will be pouring in soon."

"All for Raven Dancer?"

"Yeah. Around two he has a dance performance with backup dancers. He's the best around."

"I'll be sure to look into it. Thanks," I say, nodding before I begin back towards the Order.

**And they say,**

**She's in the class A team,**

**Stuck in her daydream.**

**Been this way since eighteen,**

**But lately….**

The next day, I ask Kanda to train with me. Of course, he just shrugs and begins to walk to the training area, but I was more or less uneasy.

"Are we training or not, Moyashi?" Kanda mutters as he stretches his arms. I nod. "But can I ask you something first?"

"You can ask, but that doesn't mean I'll answer."

I take a breath, thinking over my words carefully. Even though I had thought about how I would word this since I had begun to walk home last night, my question didn't come out the way I wanted it to. "Are you Raven Dancer?"

Kanda freezes, but he quickly composes himself. "Who the heck is Raven Dancer, and why would you think I'm him or her or whatever?"

"Kanda," I say, looking down, "I followed you last night."

"What gave you the right?!" he shouted and he gave me a glare that made me want to curl up in a ball.

"I was worried―"

"I don't need you worrying about me! I can take care of myself!"

Finally looking up at him, I say, "Then tell me: are you Raven Dancer?"

"I still don't know what you're talking about."

"A man said that the building you went in was a strip club. He also said that there was a man your age with long, blue-black hair named Raven Dancer."

With that, Kanda walked out.

oO_Oo_oO_Oo

"Lavi, I'm really worried," I say. The redhead looked down at the bed. "What are we supposed to do? He's not going to talk about that to anyone, and we aren't even certain it's him."

I pause, and Lavi quickly looked at me. "No. No, Allen. Just…no."

"But we have to find out!"

**Her face seems,**

**Slowly sinking,**

**Wasting,**

**Crumbling like pastries,**

**And they scream,**

**The worst things in life come free to us.**

"I still don't like this," Lavi said as we sat on one of the loveseats toward the back of the club called "Exotic Bird Gay Club."

"Just deal. I don't like it either," I say. At that moment, all the lights moved toward the stage, and dozens of men began to swarm around the area. The stage was fairly large with two poles, stairs on both sides, and a small curtain in one corner.

The speakers came on. "Who's ready for Raven Dancer?"

The men around the club roared with glee, and several held money in the air. It was hard to imagine that Kanda has so many admirers.

"He just got in and is still changing, but for now, let your eyes take in the beauty of Scarlet Hawk!"

A shirtless man came out from behind the curtain, waving and smiling, and the audience clapped and whistled as he began to dance to the music of "For Your Entertainment" by Adam Lambert.

"Lavi, are you gay?" I ask to distract myself. The rabbit glances at me. "No. Straight as an arrow. What about you?"

I blush and look down. "I'm bi."

"So you have a crush on Kanda?"

"No!" I exclaim and I was going to defend myself, but then the music faded out and the speaker came back on. "Now you all know that Raven Dancer won't come out for nothing. Who do we want?"

"RAVEN DANCER!" the crowd screamed and clapped.

That's when I had no doubt in mind who Raven Dancer was. Another voice spoke, sounding exactly like Kanda, "You can do better than that. If you want me to flaunt this body, you need to scream until your throat is raw."

I hugged Lavi's arm and hid my face in it. I didn't know if I wanted to see Kanda like this or not. To see him do something like pole dance….

The men managed to get louder, and the original speaker announced, "Here he is! RAVEN DANCER!

Against my better judgment, I look up. Kanda walks out from the curtain, his hair down and his shirt gone, and he was wearing tight, leather pants that left nothing to the imagination and combat boots. Oh gosh.

He flips some of his hair over his shoulder with his free hand before he puts it on his hip, and the other hand holds a microphone as he stops at the front of the stage.

**Because we're just under the upper hand,**

**And go mad for a couple grams.**

**She don't wanna go outside tonight.**

The crowd roared, twenty and fifty dollar bills held in the air, and Kanda smirks. "All this for me? I'm flattered, though a few are missing."

The bluenette bent down to hear what one man said, and after a moment, he straightens again. "I'm glad to know that I have such dedicated fans. So what song should I do tonight?"

Several songs were shouted, and Kanda listened before asking, "'Tainted Love,' huh? Are you sure that it isn't just my hair?"

I heard a man close to Lavi and me shout, "Sexy hair flips all the way!"

"Okay, okay, fine. 'Tainted Love' it is, but don't blame me when only one of you gets to have me take care of the aftermath," Kanda said, tossing the microphone to a man on the sidelines.

Lavi and I freeze, and I ask quietly, "Does he mean sleeping with them?"

"Plenty of strippers are prostitutes, too," he replies. I protest, "Kanda isn't a stripper!"

The redhead gave me a look that said otherwise, and I quieted.

The music for "Tainted Love" by Marilyn Manson began to play, and I watch in horror as Kanda started dancing. He flipped his hair to the beat as he used his arms to climb the pole, the movement almost like cartwheels except for his legs hooked around the metal, and he twisted around it. It was amazing, but I still couldn't grasp that this was _Kanda_ doing this.

Closer to the ground, the samurai wrapped his legs around the pole and held himself parallel to the ground, and a man put a hundred dollar bill in the dancer's open mouth. Kanda smirked, took the bill from his mouth, and tucked it into the front of his pants, probably flashing a few people in the process.

After another few minutes of acrobatics, dancing, and roaring of the crowd, Kanda finished, the music fading out. Someone handed him the microphone again, and he asked, "So who liked that?"

The men screamed and shouted their approval. Kanda ran his fingers through his hair. "I'll be sure to make some of those moves keepers then. Let's see now, who wants to be lucky tonight?"

The audience went wild, waving money in the air. That's when Kanda's eyes lock on Lavi and me, and I don't think I've seen him look so dangerous as he points to us and says calmly, "Redhead and platinum blonde. I'll take two tonight."

**And in a pipe she flies to the Motherland,**

**Or sells love to another man.**

**It's too cold outside for angels to fly.**

**Angels to fly.**

Kanda leads us to a room with a king size bed with satin sheets and sex toys lying on a table, but when the door closes, the bluenette snaps, "What do you think you're doing here?!"

To this, Lavi asks, "Why are you here, Raven Dancer?"

"I work here, if you hadn't noticed. If it wouldn't make people suspicious, I would have thrown you out, but now, I have two hours to make you feel like you're living in the underworld!"

I wince at his harsh tone and say quietly, "I-I just wanted to know if you really were a…a…."

"The word is stripper, moron. And prostitute."

"Why? Why would you do this?" Lavi asks as Kanda turns away. The samurai doesn't reply, and I say, "Kanda―"

"Shut up!" he shouts, his fists white. After a few minutes, he sits on the bed, still not looking at Lavi or me as he says, "I need the money."

"Money? For what?" I ask. He growls, "I just do. Are you happy?"

I shake my head. "Not really."

Kanda lies down. "Too bad. I don't really care what you do as long as you stay in this room for the next couple of hours."

"Were you really going to sell yourself to some stranger?" I ask, unable to help myself.

"That's what a prostitute does, Moyashi. Don't act like you don't know that."

"I know that, but…."

"Drop it."

I sit in the floor, my knees pulled to my chest, and I feel the tears run down my cheeks. After a moment, Lavi settles beside me and pulls me to him, and I cry into his chest.

After an hour or so, Kanda stood and walked to the end of the bed where I was still in Lavi's arms. "If either of you mention anything about tonight at the Order, or anywhere for that matter, I will run you through with Mugen. Stay out of my business. I have to get ready for my next performance, but you can stay in here for another hour."

"What do you mean by 'next performance'?" I ask, looking at him through watering eyes. He rolls his eyes. "Do I need to spell it out for you? I dance. I take someone to bed. I leave around three with a couple hundred bucks."

I burst out crying again, clinging to Lavi, and the redhead looked at Kanda, who seemed indifferent to everything. "Why would you need that kind of money? The Order may not pay well, but your food, clothes, and transportation are all paid for."

My eyes widen, but I keep my mouth shut. Kanda looked at me. "Ask the Moyashi. He obviously figured it out."

With that, the samurai stalked out of the room, his boots clacking on the stone floor and his hips beginning to sway once the door was open. Lavi looked down at me. "Why would he need that money?"

"I'm not sure if I'm right, so there's no reason to say," I say quietly, wiping away my tears.

"Allen, tell me what you think."

I look down and after a moment, I whisper, "He might be sick."

"Sick? Like cancer?"

I nod.

"He never gets sick."

"Only that we've seen. He might have medical bills, because the Order wouldn't pay for something like that."

**Ripped gloves,**

**Raincoat,**

**Tried to swim and stay afloat.**

**Dry house,**

**Wet clothes.**

I knock on the door.

"Moyashi, go away."

"No, let me in."

"I'm not in the mood to deal with you."

"That doesn't matter. I'll bust down the door."

Kanda cursed, but in a moment, the door opened, and he stepped aside to let me in. "Make it quick. I have to go in early tonight."

The bluenette sits on the bed while I lean on the wall, very uncomfortable as I ask, "Do you have to go?"

"Yeah, I do. If I don't go in, I don't get paid."

"I'm sure if you tell Komui, he can get some form of treatment for you."

Kanda scoffs. "I don't have a disease, moron."

"Then what?"

"Why would I tell you?"

"Because I want to help!"

"I don't want your help, Moyashi. I've been Raven Dancer for the past year, and it doesn't bother me."

I stop, thinking about what he had said. It makes sense. Not caring. Needing money. After a moment, I ask, "What drug are you on?"

He lies down. "A beautiful thing called heroin."

"Why? Why would you do something like that?"

"We're in a war. Not caring is the easiest way to get through it, and quite frankly, I'm at the point where someone could shoot you in the head right now and if they paid me, I'd help hide your body."

I sit beside him and glare. "You're selling yourself so that you can snort heroin?"

"No," he says. "I shoot it."

"That's worse! Injecting it is the most likely to cause you to overdose!"

"I don't care."

"I would! And so would everyone else!"

"I don't care."

"You'll get addicted to it!"

"I've been using it for over a year. I'm already addicted."

"That's a problem!"

"I. Don't. Care."

"It's illegal!"

Kanda sat up, and I almost fell off the bed under his glare. "I don't freaking care, Moyashi. Either shut it or leave."

Unable to take it, I jump on him, wrapping my arms around his waist, but Kanda just sits there as I cry, and he says, "If you want sex, it's two-hundred, and two-fifty if you want to top."

"I don't want sex! I want the real you back!"

"Real me?"

**Loose change,**

**Bank notes,**

**Weary-eyed,**

**Dry throat,**

**Call girl,**

**No phone.**

I look up at him while tears stream down my cheeks. "You were an emotionless jerk before, but this isn't you! You need help!"

"And you need to find Lavi so you can annoy him. Get off me."

I shake my head, refusing to release him from my grasp. He didn't seem particularly annoyed by this and just lied back again while I clung to him, but I think it was the heroin at work.

There was knock on the door, and Kanda asked, "Who is it?"

"Marie."

The bluenette glares at me, and I quickly defend, "I didn't tell him! I swear!

"Come in."

The blind man opened the door, and as he shut it, he asked, "Why is Allen crying and clinging to you?"

"It's nothing," Kanda muttered. Marie sat on the end of the bed. "Lavi told me that you wanted to talk to me."

"The rabbit lied."

I sit up. "No, he wasn't. You don't want to talk to him, but if you don't, I will."

Kanda glared at me and growled, "It's _my_ business!"

"That affects everyone around you!"

"It wouldn't affect you if you hadn't been following me."

Marie turns his blue, glassy eyes to his brother. "Kanda, what are you talking about?"

"The Moyashi and Usagi followed me out of the Order last night," the bluenette says, "and found out that I'm working as a male dancer and prostitute."

"What?" Marie asked in disbelief. I look up at Kanda. "Tell him everything."

"I don't take orders from you."

"Then I'll tell him."

"Geez, I'm also shooting heroin."

Marie stood, but Kanda growled, "Marie, if you tell Tiedoll, I swear I will never speak to you again."

"I'm not going to sit here while my little brother does something that could easily kill him!"

I'm not sure which shocked me more: the fact that Marie yelled at Kanda or that he called Kanda his little brother. I mean, I knew that Kanda, Marie, and Daisya grew up as Tiedoll's "sons", but I didn't know that's how Marie saw Kanda and Daisya as his brothers. Kanda didn't seem to mind the yelling part. "I'm not your little brother. I can take care of myself and make my own decisions, so if I want to put drugs in my veins and sell my body, I will."

Marie pauses for a moment. "It won't harm you because of your regenerative abilities. You get to feel the effects mentally, but your body will remain the same. That's why you don't have any of the signs of heroin abuse."

"But that doesn't mean you can't overdose," I say, looking at Kanda. He shrugs. "So what if I do?"

I give Marie a pleading look. "Please, help him."

The blind man doesn't reply as he walks out the door, and I go back to clinging to Kanda. "Why did you start all of it?"

"Didn't I already tell you because of the war? I didn't care much to begin with, but I realized that my judgment was being compromised. Heroin helped, but it took more money than I was making, so after a while, the dealer told me that the club was hiring. I went, and the owner liked me."

I don't answer as I bury my face in his stomach, but he asks, "Are you ever going to let go?"

"Not until you promise to stop being Raven Dancer."

"You can't sit there and say that I wasn't good."

"You were, but it's not right!"

"Regardless of your opinion, I'm going in tonight."

Unable to find another option, I sit up and press my lips to his. I may not like it, but I can keep him from going if I give him money. I think I might have two-hundred. After a moment, Kanda pushes me away. "What are you doing?"

"Hiring you."

He scoffs. "You can't afford me."

"I can once!"

He raises an eyebrow at me. "Why would you do that?"

"Because I'll do anything to keep you out of that place! I may hate the idea of having sex with you, but if it means that some man you don't know doesn't touch you, I'm willing to do it."

"I'm not going to sleep with you just because you feel sorry for me. Besides, I'll still have to go in. I get tips while I'm dancing."

**And they say,**

**She's in the class A team,**

**Stuck in her daydream.**

**Been this way since eighteen,**

**But lately….**

I droop, still straddling him from where I'd kissed him. Here I was, willing to give him money and my virginity to keep him from working, but it wasn't enough. Maybe I should tell someone. Someone in authority, I mean. If we can just get his drug addiction under control….

Kanda scoffed. "If you're trying to figure out a way to tell someone, let me tell you the result. You tell Komui. They take me to the infirmary and restrain me. I begin to develop withdrawal symptoms. I go crazy and break out. I come back here and OD."

"Kanda, you can't be happy doing this."

"Who said I was happy? Heroin makes you emotionally numb, not happy."

Oo_oO_Oo_oO

I hadn't spoken to Kanda for several days. I saw him in the cafeteria, but that was about it. I watched the bluenette sit alone in the corner, eating his soba, and I asked Lavi, "Are we doing the right thing?"

He puts his chin on the table. "I don't know. You?"

"I think we should tell Komui before something happens."

"You think he'll overdose?"

"I think that he's convinced that his body can take it," I say. As the words come out of my mouth, there's a sound behind me, and I turn, eyes widening. Kanda was lying in the floor, unconscious.

"Kanda!" I shout, running to him along with everyone else. "Lavi, can you carry him? I can't."

He nods, and a finder helps me get the bluenette onto the rabbit's back. We ran to the infirmary, but what were we going to tell them?

"Nurse, he needs help immediately!" Lavi shouted as he dropped Kanda onto the closest bed. A few of the nurses hurried over, checking his pulse and listening to his breathing. One of them said, "Head nurse, his breathing is irregular and his pulse is elevated."

The head nurse began helping them hook things to him, but she asked us, "What happened?"

"He just collapsed," I say.

She looked at me. "Tell me the drug. I know you know what he's on. You look guilty."

After a moment, I look down. "It's heroin."

One of the younger nurses asked, "What's the treatment for opiates?"

"Nothing for now. We need to keep an eye on him, but he'll wake up in a few hours." The head nurse turned to Lavi and me again. "You two, go and tell Komui about this. We'll need to search his room and keep him under control."

We nod, running to Komui's office. I felt uneasy about the whole thing. Kanda's going to hate me and Lavi more than ever.

"Come in!"

Lavi and I open the door, and the scientist says, "What can I do for you?"

I shift uncomfortably and scoot behind Lavi, who eventually says, "We have to talk about Kanda."

"What about him?"

Komui invites us to sit, and we do. I quickly wipe my eyes, realizing they were wet, and Lavi says, "Did you know that there's a popular gay strip club nearby?"

He shakes his head. "How is that relevant?"

"Kanda works there as a male dancer and prostitute under the name 'Raven Dancer'. He needs the money so he can pay for heroin."

Komui looks shocked by this information, but Lavi continues, "He's in the infirmary from an overdose. He's stable, but it was close. The head nurse says that we need to search his room."

The scientist nods. "I'll get the science division on it."

As we were about to leave, I turn.

"Please, don't let him go back to the club," I beg, tears streaming down my cheeks. "Please!"

"I can't control what he does, but we need to get him off the heroin first. I think he'll straighten out after that."

I nod.

**Her face seems,**

**Slowly sinking,**

**Wasting,**

**Crumbling like pastries,**

**And they scream,**

**The worst things in life come free to us.**

I let out a sigh of relief as Kanda's eyes open. He glances around and asks, "What happened?"

"You collapsed in the cafeteria," I say. He closes his eyes. "Why does everything on me hurt then?"

"That's from the withdrawal. You've been out for days."

"Then get me out so I can go back to my room. I'm fine."

He tries to sit up, but I push him back down. "Kanda, they searched your room and found the heroin. You'll have to go through treatment, but in a few months, you'll be okay for the most part."

"Why did you tell them?"

"The head nurse already knew it was drug, but we told her what kind."

A nurse walked over to the bed and handed a cup with two pills in it out to the bluenette. "Here. I'll get water."

"You really think I'm going to take clonidine?"

Confused, I ask, "Clonidine?"

The nurse nods. "Clonidine helps with symptoms of opiate withdrawal."

"I'm not taking it," Kanda growls, not taking the cup from her.

"Too bad. You're taking it."

I turn to see Komui walk in, and he continues, "That's an order."

Kanda glares at him, but doesn't argue as he takes to cup. Tilting his head back, he swallows the clonidine dry. "Happy?"

"Not particularly. I'm generally not when an exorcist becomes a drug addict."

"If it weren't for this annoying idiot, you wouldn't know."

"If it weren't for this annoying idiot, you could have died."

"If it weren't for this annoying idiot, I'd be perfectly fine right now."

"If it―"

I interrupt, "I don't appreciate being called an annoying idiot."

"Sorry, Allen," Komui said. "Anyways, the point is that you will be staying here for the next several weeks. Someone will constantly be with you, and when you're released, you'll be sharing a room with another exorcist."

Kanda doesn't reply, and I say, "Don't act like it's unreasonable. You did this to yourself."

He smirks. "Correction, the Black Order did this to me. They shove us into boxing ring so they can watch us die one by one. I got tired of watching while people dropped."

I look down, and Komui walks out of the room.

**Because we're just under the upper hand,**

**And go mad for a couple grams.**

**She don't wanna go outside tonight.**

"Do you hate me?" I ask later that night after Kanda had taken his second dose of clonidine. He glances at me before looking back at his book. Well, it was actually a book Komui told him to read about getting over opiate addictions, so Kanda didn't have much choice in the matter. "I hated you anyways."

"Kanda."

He sighs, closing the book and looking at me. "No, I don't hate you. I realize that you had my safety in mind, and as much as I hate to admit it, I am thankful for that."

"I thought you didn't care."

"At the time, I didn't. Do you know anything about heroin?"

I shake my head, and he continues, "I meant what I said before. I was at the point that I could sit back and watch the Order be slaughtered without a care in the world. It numbs your emotions to the point that you don't feel anything unless it's physical."

"What about Raven Dancer?"

"Don't talk about it," he mutters, opening the book again. So it was the drugs. He would never have done anything like that if he was still himself. I can't begin to imagine how mad and ashamed he is right now.

Hesitantly, I say, "I…I don't see you any differently because of it."

"Don't lie."

"I mean it, Kanda."

He doesn't reply, and I say, "Sure, I never thought you would be a drug addict, but that's not something I'm going to condemn you for. You need help."

"You saw me _pole dance_, for crying out loud! When you and Lavi see me, that's the first thing you'll think of," he muttered, but he doesn't look away from the book.

"We were worried! Do you not remember that I tried to hire you so you wouldn't go back? I didn't know what could happen!"

He doesn't say anything.

After a few minutes, I say, "Raven Dancer wasn't you. Not the real you. He was a different person that didn't care about anything, especially himself."

Kanda closes his book. "I need a shower."

"You took a shower several hours ago."

"I know that, Moyashi."

I don't respond to the name. "Why would you―?"

"I feel disgusting, okay?!" he shouts, glaring at me as he stands. "There's nothing in the bathroom I can get high on, if that's what you're thinking. I don't care if you go in and wait for me, but I just…I need to feel clean."

I nod.

I can't say I completely understand how he feels, but I know that the feeling's awful. Just to be sure, I go with him to the bathroom, and when he looks into the mirror, I can't describe his expression. His eyes swirled with hate and his knuckles shook with self-loathing.

"Kanda…" I whisper as he turns away. He growls, "Shut up."

**And in a pipe she flies to the Motherland,**

**Or sells love to another man.**

**It's too cold outside for angels to fly.**

**Angels to fly.**

As he closes the curtain to the stall he was in, I glance around to make sure we were alone before I say, "If you ask, I think Komui could get a therapist to talk to you."

I hear him scoff. "I don't need a therapist. Why would I?"

"Kanda, this is going to haunt you for a long time. Don't act like it didn't affect you, and let people help."

"I don't…" he trails off. After a minute, he sighs. "I'll get over it on my own."

"No, you won't! You have friends; why do you always push them away?!"

"Dependence is weakness."

"Arrogance is weakness."

"Love is weakness."

"Self-disrespect is weakness."

"Trust is weakness."

"Complete independence is weakness."

"Fear is weakness."

"Weakness is weakness," I say when I run out of arguments. After a moment, Kanda says, "If I need help, I know that I can come to you, the rabbit, or Lenalee. It's not like I don't know that, but I also know that it won't help."

"Why not?"

"I already said that trust is weakness. The first person you let in is like the first cigarette. The more you smoke, the worse it gets, and eventually, it kills you."

"If you want to get addicted to something, friends are the best way to go."

"But what happens when one dies? You go to rehab. After a while, you're cured. No one's left."

I don't reply. What he was saying made sense, but it wasn't exactly helping my cause. After a few minutes, Kanda came out of the shower and walked toward the infirmary without even a glance my way, but I thought it had to do with the fact that there was a mirror behind me.

A few hours later, Kanda turned out the light and asked, "Shouldn't you go back to your room?"

Yawning, I shake my head. "No, I've stayed with you the whole time, and I plan to do the same thing I've been doing."

I pull another chair in front of me and prop up my feet as Kanda asks, "You've been here the whole time?"

"Except for eating, yeah. Why?"

He doesn't reply and rolls over so that his back was to me.

"Goodnight, Kanda," I whisper.

**An angel will die,**

**Covered in white.**

**Closed eyes,**

**Hoping for a better life.**

**This time, **

**We'll fade out tonight,**

**Straight down the line.**

(A month later.)

"Wake up, Kanda," I say, prodding his shoulder. He keeps his eyes closed. "I wasn't asleep. You should try to recognize the difference."

I roll my eyes. "I can't help it that I don't pay attention to it. I was asleep, but you won't take your medicine if I don't make you."

"I'm cured."

I sit beside him on the bed. "You know that you'll never be cured."

"Save me the lecture. I know, I know, I'll always have urges, but I don't right now."

"Because you've been taking the clonidine."

"Correction, you make me take the clonidine."

"Yeah, because the last time I left it to you, your nausea and muscle aches came back. I wonder why."

"Shut up," he mutters as he opens his eyes, and I give him his pills. After a moment, he swallows them dry, and I scold, "I was going to give you some water! You know it's bad for you to take pills dry!"

"It's bad to take people dry, too, but that doesn't stop most."

I tilt my head in confusion before the meaning of what he said dawned on me and I whack him on the shoulder. "Stop it!"

"What am I doing? I stated a fact."

"Just keep your dirty mind to yourself."

I give him a glass of water, and he takes a few sips before he holds it out to me. I shake my head. "All of it. That's your punishment for taking the pills dry."

He rolls his eyes and downs the rest of it, and I gladly take the glass this time.

"You don't have to treat me like a child," he mutters.

"Yes, I do. Otherwise, you act like one. Refusing to take your medicine. Taking your medicine the wrong way."

Kanda doesn't reply and sits up. On a more serious note, I ask, "Did you get any sleep?"

He shakes his head. "Not really. Three hours max."

"I'm sorry."

"You say that every time my insomnia kicks in," he says. "It's not like it's your fault."

"Am I not allowed to feel bad for you?"

"No, you're not. I don't need sympathy."

**And they say,**

**She's in the class A team,**

**Stuck in her daydream.**

**Been that way since eighteen,**

**But lately….**

"I've had insomnia before, but not like this," I say as he rubs his temples. He shrugs. "Payback's a chick."

I laugh. "Very true, but I can still sympathize even though you deserve it."

He grunts in reply, and we fall into silence. Kanda moves his shoulder and grimaces before he begins to massage it with his other hand, but I quickly take over. "I've got it."

"I'm starting to think that you like massaging me," he says, but he doesn't pull away. Actually, he leaned into the touch more than anything. I give great massages, and he knows that, probably better than anyone.

"So what if I do? You're a good patient, and I don't want my skills to become rusty."

He doesn't reply, but he does let out a groan as I hit a pressure point. After a while, I pull away, and Kanda stands from the bed to get ready. We spent a good majority of our time together now, especially since he moved into my room, Komui's orders. He had to have someone with him constantly for one year and he had to have blood tests done every week. After one year, it'll only be every month. Kanda didn't particularly like the idea, but then again, what idea does he like?

"Why did I have to get stuck with you?" he grumbled. Smiling, I say, "Because you love me."

"In your dreams."

I roll my eyes, but for some reason, I felt slightly hurt from his tone of voice. When I glance up at him, he's looking at me, and I ask, "What?"

He doesn't reply.

**Her face seems,**

**Slowly sinking,**

**Wasting,**

**Crumbling like pastries,**

**And they scream,**

**The worst things in life come free to us.**

As Kanda brushes his hair, I sit on my bed, the top bunk, and ask, "If you could go back, would you have taken the heroin the first time?"

"If Raven Dancer didn't exist, then yes."

"Why?"

"The time I spent not caring was perfect. I don't regret it. Being a stripper and prostitute? Definitely, but not being numb."

"Oh."

"And besides, if Raven Dancer hadn't existed, you wouldn't have found out about it."

"You still nearly overdosed."

"I nearly overdosed because the effects were wearing off. The effects were wearing off because of you and Lavi."

I look down at my lap ashamedly. I didn't notice Kanda until he directed my gaze to his with his hand on my chin, and he says, "And for that, I thank you."

I was shocked to say the least. "W-what?"

"I'm not repeating myself."

I smile and nod. "You're welcome."

He pulls away, much to my disappointment, but I don't say anything as he ties his hair into its ponytail. After a few minutes, I hop off the bed and wait by the door, but just we were about to leave, Kanda stops me. As if it was the most normal thing in the world, he starts to mess with my hair, and I blush. "What are y-you doing?"

"Fixing your hair. It'll drive me crazy," he mutters as he tries to make my cowlick stay down. After a moment, I say, "It always sticks up. That's how cowlicks work."

He glares at the top of my head, and I continue, "Glaring at it won't help."

"Shut up," he says.

**Because we're all under the upper hand,**

**And go mad for a couple grams.**

**We don't wanna go outside tonight.**

We walk in silence along the corridor that led to the cafeteria. No one ever bothers Kanda anymore. Period. After what happened the first week, everyone's terrified of him. He had been allowed to go to the cafeteria, but when he got there, a finder he had quarreled with at some point brought up the heroin. Needless to say, I was the one that had to risk my head to get Kanda away from the finder, who at that point had a broken and bloody nose, and the bluenette had to stay in the infirmary for another week. Komui said that it wasn't Kanda's fault that it happened. Well, it was, but the anger was from the opiate withdrawal. Agitation was a side effect, and with Kanda, that meant extreme irritation and violence.

"You're awfully quiet, Moyashi," Kanda commented. I glare at him. "It's Allen, BaKanda."

"Still. Why aren't you babbling about something?"

"I thought it annoyed you."

"Everything annoys me. I'm finding that your silence annoys me more."

"What do you want me to talk about?"

"Your decision."

I sigh. "Regardless of the topic, you'll say it's stupid and tell me to shut up."

"When's the last time I've done that?"

"Five minutes ago."

He pauses. "Doesn't matter. Speak before I punch you."

"Lavi and Lenalee are dating now," I say. "Don't you think they make a good couple?"

He shrugs. "The rabbit's noisy enough. Imagine what he'd be like in bed."

"I try not to."

"Don't play dumb. You had a crush on him at one point."

"You don't know that!"

"It was pretty obvious."

"Well, I don't anymore!"

"Then who?"

I think about this for a moment. "No one."

"Fine. If you had to choose, who would you want to sleep with?"

"Kanda!"

"It's a simple question."

"That I'm not answering!"

"Then I'll answer it for you."

"Huh?" I ask before I'm pinned to the wall. Kanda watches my reaction, or actually, my lack of reaction.

**And in a pipe we fly to the Motherland,**

**Or sell love to another man.**

**It's too cold outside for angels to fly.**

**Angels to fly.**

He raised an eyebrow at me. "You're going to let a drug addict and former prostitute to pin you to the wall?"

"You aren't a drug addict anymore."

"Could be."

"Blood tests show differently."

He doesn't reply, and I hesitantly wrap my arms around his neck. "And besides, I trust you."

"Why?" he asks, our lips so close that our breath mingled.

"I don't know," I whisper. "I shouldn't."

He smirks. "I won't hurt you."

"I know."

"I may break your heart."

"I know."

"Then why are you taking this chance?"

"I have no clue," I say before he clashes our lips together.

**To fly, to fly.**

**For angels to fly,**

**To fly, to fly.**

(Four months later)

I blink my eyes open. It was dark, but the bed was empty, and I sat up, glancing around. Light struggled to brighten the area from under the bathroom door, and I stand, wobbling towards it. When I open the door, I can't say I was shocked, but a small part was.

Kanda didn't even bother to hide the syringe as I look at him, and he leans his head against the wall. "Are you going to take me to Komui's?"

"Yes."

"Do you hate me?"

"No."

"Are you ever going to trust me again?"

"No."

He nods, stands, and waits for me to follow him toward Komui's office. As we walk, he whispers, "I'm sorry."

"No, you aren't."

"You're right."

"Is that the heroin talking?"

"Probably."

**Or angels to die.**

**Author Note: Please, Please, PLEASE REVIEW, and suggest to friends!**


	8. Doin' What She Likes

**Warning: This story is rated T for alcohol, shounen-ai/yaoi, and cuteness/fluff.**

**Summary: Allen decides that he should pamper Kanda one day. Unfortunately for Kanda, he obviously has to repay that.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own DGM, the characters, or this song.**

**Author Note: For reasons of it being too sexual for a T fanfiction, I will not be doing "Trumpets". I do take "requests", but they are more of suggestions. I'll only write them if I think I can write a good story for it that's not too sexual. If you have a "request", please tell me in a review, and I would appreciate it if you would tell me any idea for the plot that you had. Thank you for reading!**

_**Doing What She Likes**_

_Original Song: "Doing What She Likes" by Blake Shelton_

**She likes it when I call in sick to work,**

**Spend the whole day hanging with her.**

**I might get fired, but that's alright.**

**I'm doing what she likes.**

"Don't you have training or something?" I asked as Allen pressed a kiss to my cheek.

"I'd say the same to you," he said. I sit up and look at him. "I'm recharging."

"So you're a battery?"

"Yes, and you are a Moyashi."

Much to my disappointment, Allen smiles. That caring, "I love you with all my heart" smile. "Only your Moyashi."

I narrow my eyes, but he just sits on the bed beside me, smiling. "What do you have planned?"

"Planned?"

"You've been training nonstop the last couple of days. Why stop?"

"I'm recharging."

"That was my excuse. I was on a three month long mission."

"Can't I spend time with my boyfriend?"

I kick his thigh through the blankets. "I'm not your boyfriend."

"Then what do you call it?" Allen asked as he rubbed his leg and crawled closer to me. When he gets to my side, he puts one hand on the other side of me and he leaned closer, staring into my eyes with those innocent eyes. Innocent? Fake innocence. I know better than anyone that while he can be the innocent uke, he is perfectly capable of being a seme, and a good one, too.

I lean back so we weren't so close, but he followed and says, "We have sex. We sleep together most nights. We eat together. Isn't that what boyfriends do?"

I glare. "We are not boyfriends."

"Lovers?"

"We are not lovers!"

Allen pouts and turns away. "So I'm a friend with benefits? Is that it?"

I stop and bite my lip. After a moment, I reach out and pull him to me, his back to my chest. He looks at me hopefully, and I close my eyes as I say, "I'm not one for labels. We aren't friends with benefits, and lovers…I just don't like the word. Boyfriend sounds emotionless."

"You admit that you love me?"

"I never said that!"

"But you meant that."

I don't reply.

Allen doesn't seem to mind my lack of response and he turns around before he gently pushes me down to the bed. As he hovers over me, he asks, "What describes our relationship?"

"Anything but ordinary."

He laughs. "That's true. A caring, cursed boy and an emotionless samurai."

I slip my arms around his neck. "And much to the emotionless samurai's aggravation, the caring, cursed boy made the emotionless samurai not so emotionless anymore."

Another smile plagued the whitette's face, and I internally curse myself. He was going to throw this up to me all the time now. Maybe I should bolt now….

Before I can ponder the thought anymore, Allen presses his lips to mine softly, probably testing the waters. He knows that there are times that I'll push him away and yell at him. Right now is one of the times that I'll kiss him back though, and when I open my mouth, I can feel him smile. The boy was far too happy about this.

When we break apart, Allen smiles like a cat that got a new toy filled with catnip, and I mutter, "Don't put a lot of meaning into that, Moyashi."

"But the fact that you used my pet name at the end means that you want me to ignore the first part so that you can use it against me later even though I didn't pay attention."

"Shut up," I growl as I turn my head to the side.

"You are so cute," he purrs, kissing my jaw. A vein popped out of my head. "I am not cute!"

"Not all the time, but I find your antics cute. The rest of the time you're sexy and hot."

I open my mouth to protest, but I close it again while a subtle blush covers my cheeks.

**She likes it when I bring home fresh fajitas,**

**And mix up a pitcher of margaritas.**

**Catch a kind of buzz that lasts all night,**

**Doing what she likes.**

I discreetly peek over my book as Allen sets a bag on the desk. I want to ask, but my reputation won't allow such a thing, even though the whitette loves it when I open up. The moron thinks of it as an accomplishment.

He pulls out two glasses, margarita glasses, and I finally ask, "What are you doing?"

"You'll see in a minute."

I curse in frustration, but after a few minutes, Allen hands a margarita to me. "Over the rocks with salt. I added more vodka than normal because I know that you think it's girly."

"Where did you learn to make this?" I ask after I took a sip. Strong, really strong, but it met my standards.

"I had a part time job at a bar. I had to know everything about alcohol because of Cross, and when a thirteen-year-old knows that much and offers to work below minimum wage, you have to take it."

"Isn't that illegal?"

"The bar was a place to gamble and watch strippers. It wasn't exactly the most law-enforced bar out there."

I shrug, but after a moment, I say, "This is really good. Thank you."

Allen smiles. "I'm glad you like it. I was thinking about it all day, trying to figure out what you would like best."

I take another sip of the margarita, fighting the urge to squint my eyes. The whitette continues, "You know, you don't have to act all manly and emotionless around me."

"You already made me open up as it is," I mutter, glaring at him.

"Then open up more. What's something about you I don't know?"

I narrow my eyes at him, and he compromises, "I'll go first?"

I wait for a moment.

"My first kiss was with a stripper named Chastity."

I raise an eyebrow. "Chastity?"

"I have no idea. Your turn."

After a minute of pondering whether I should do this or not, I ask, "Swear you will never tell?"

Allen nods.

"I like music a little bit. Certain types."

"Like?"

"My favorite band is Hollywood Undead."

He pauses, and I can tell he's struggling not to gawk at me. He says, "I've only listened to a little of their music. It's a little too…explicit for my tastes."

"Cursing, sex, drugs? Which?"

"All of them, but I have to be tolerant of the cursing."

He gives me a look, but I already knew he meant me.

"You want me to stop cussing?"

"You could cut back…."

"I can pledge abstinence, too."

His eyes widen. "What?! No!"

I raise an eyebrow at him. "So you admit you like the sex?"

"Well, yeah! When did I say I didn't?"

"You seem less satisfied when you're seme."

He blushes and looks away. "You never seem satisfied when I'm seme."

I smirk. "You think that I'll turn into a pile of moaning lust under you like you do when you're uke?"

"Maybe…."

"And you wanted to get me drunk for that reason?"

"Maybe…."

"And you think that I'm a cheap drunk?"

"I've never seen you drink before."

I scoff. "Yes, you have. I spike my tea with sake all the time."

"What?!"

"That's why I never let you try it."

"So you're drunk when we're training?"

"No, I've never gotten drunk. Didn't the Baka Usagi tell you about the drinking contest we had several years ago?"

"No."

"He challenged me. He was in the floor after ten shots. I wasn't drunk after fifteen and a bottle of beer, plus a martini."

"Geez, Kanda," Allen said. "Anyways, my point was that you do curse a lot, but it doesn't really surprise me that you would like Hollywood Undead. But can you reassure me first?"

I glance at him and raise an eyebrow. "What?"

I set my empty margarita glass next to his on the nightstand, and Allen sits next to me, our hips touching. "You never did any of that stuff, right?"

"What stuff? Are you drunk?"

"No, I'm not drunk! I mean, you never did any of the stuff like Hollywood Undead sings about, right?"

"Why? You jealous?"

He pouts. "You screwed random girls?"

I roll my eyes and move to straddle him. The whitette seemed surprised, but I simply sat on his thighs. "No. You were my first."

"What?" he gasped. I don't reply, and he continues, "I-I didn't know that. I sort of figured…."

"Do you feel guilty or something?"

He nods, and I say, "I know that you weren't a virgin when we had sex the first time."

"I just feel like I should have made it special…."

I kissed his nose. "That was why I didn't tell you. I wanted you to act the same way you would have anyone else, even if you were uke."

"Oh, shut up. I can top you just as easily."

Smirking, I say, "I let you top me. Maybe you're lucky that I'm tired."

"Sounds promising," Allen said before he pulled me to him and kissed me.

**She likes hearing how good she looks in them blue jeans.**

**Little kisses, sweeter than sweet tea.**

**Things I whisper in her ear, oh my.**

**I like doing what she likes.**

I stand in front of the mirror. The jeans were my size, but now that I had them on, they looked a lot more form-fitting. Of course, they were comfortable, but they didn't look that good. I turn, looking over my shoulder at how they seriously defined my butt, and I curse. I should have done the laundry last night. These were the only clean pants I had, and Allen's clothes were too small. After a moment, Allen stepped out of the bathroom. "Kanda? What's wrong…?"

He looked at my jeans, and I growl, "Shut up. They're the only clean pair I have."

"I wasn't going to say they looked bad," he said as he walked behind me and slipped his hands into the front pockets, much to my displeasure. He had to stand on his tiptoes to rest his chin on my shoulder and pressed his chest to my back. "I think you look hot. You should wear tight jeans more often."

I glare at him through the mirror as he continues, "Though that might be a problem. If you wear them too much then I might start ripping them off of you as soon as you put them on."

"Shut up, Moyashi," I growl.

"You never object to sex."

"You choose times when I don't care either way."

"There's a reason for that."

I curse again, and Allen presses a kiss to my neck. "If you want, I can make sure that you do care. You won't want to stop."

"Yeah, right. Good luck with that," I mutter. He lets out an appreciative hum. "Thank you."

Allen pulls away and all but prances back into the bathroom. I raise an eyebrow concernedly. What was he planning?

**Like running my fingers through her long hair,**

**Lighting watermelon candles upstairs.**

**Letting them burn and holding her all night.**

**I like doing what she likes.**

"What on Earth are you doing?" I ask as Allen pulls me towards his room. He smiles. "It's a surprise."

"You know I hate surprises."

"You'll like this one."

I roll my eyes, but I continue to let him pull me down the corridor. When we get to his room, the room we normally sleep and have sex in, he opens the door, but doesn't turn on the light. Suspiciously, I step in the room, and after the door closes, I freeze. "What's this?"

Candles were lit around the room, filling the air with the crisp scent of autumn, and in the bathroom, steam rose from the bubbly water in the tub. Allen slips his arm around my waist and smiles. "I know that you don't keep up with such things, but today is our one year anniversary."

"I assumed that's why you've been acting like a romantic all week. I knew that that's what today is."

Allen's eyes lit up with the reflected candles' flames and joy. "You keep up with it?!"

I glance to the side. "Yeah. It's not a big deal."

"Yes, it is!" the whitette pouted, moving my head so I had to look at him. I raise an eyebrow. Large, chromium eyes that gleamed in the dim light. Mouth tugged into a frown. Purity white hair fixed messily. I kiss his cheek. "You look like a kitten."

He immediately smiles like a moron.

Oo_oO_Oo_oO

"Did the bath meet your standards?" Allen asks as I sit on the bed. Lying beside him, I nod. "It felt nice."

He smiles and kisses me softly. After a moment of thought, I roll him over and pin him before I press our lips together again. He opens his mouth, and our tongues begin to battle for dominance, but Allen pulls away before either of us can win. I give him a confused look, but he runs his fingers through my hair, and I shudder, biting my lip.

"Your hair is so beautiful, Kanda," he whispers as he continues to twist his fingers in the locks. I want to tell him to shut up, but I can't, and settle for lying beside him. He strokes the locks, and I glare. "Get over your hair fetish."

He pouts. "You like my hair fetish. Don't act like you don't."

I roll over, my back to him, and I hear him say, "Kanda!"

"Shut up and sleep."

An arm snakes around my waist, and I swat it away. "Stop it."

"But I want to hold you!"

"You know I'm not into that sort of thing."

"You are after sex!"

"I'm too tired to care after sex."

"Kanda…."

"Shut it."

Allen gives up and blows out the last candle that had been lighting the room. It takes a moment, but he eventually settles with his back to mine. When his breathing becomes steady, I quietly roll over and press him flat to the bed. The whitette looked confused, but I ignored it as I draped an arm over his waist and laid my head on his shoulder. "Mention this to me in the morning and it will never happen again."

Instead of replying to the statement, he rubs circles into my back and whispers into my crown, "I love you, Kanda. Happy anniversary."

There was no way that he expected a reply. I mean, I'm me. I don't show emotion. Period. But after he went to all this trouble to be a great partner, I feel like he deserved _something_, and he would probably want me to reply more than he would want an endless buffet made of mitarashi dango. When I look up, his eyes are closed, and they stay closed as I push myself up to kiss his jaw. No, his eyes don't flash open until I whisper, "I love you, too, Allen."

His breath hitched, but I don't pay much attention to it as I press my body into his side.

**She likes it when I get past second gear,**

**Sees gravel flying in the rear view mirror.**

**Sometimes I'm pushing ninety-five,**

**Doing what she likes.**

I hear a growl and I open my eyes to see Kanda cursing into the pillow. Confused, I sit up and lay a hand on his shoulder. "Are you okay?"

"Shut up."

I roll my eyes. He was probably still mad about last night. Supposedly, he hates it when I act like a romantic, but I knew that he liked being treated as a prince. What he doesn't like is the fact that he lets me treat him that way and then can't say that he's emotionless afterwards. That and it probably makes him feel like the submissive one of the relationship. Of course, neither of us are submissive to the other, but if there were labels, I'd be the less dominant since I don't mind being submissive to Kanda, or at least not all the time.

I lay an arm across his back and rest my chin on his shoulder, but before he can tell me to get off, I ask, "Are you aggravated about last night?"

"I told you to shut up."

"When have I actually done that?"

He glares, but I just smile and kiss his cheek, much to his irritation.

Oo_oO_Oo_oO

"Where are we going? I thought we were going to train?" I ask as I follow Kanda out of the training room. We walked through the grass, the noon sun shining brightly, and my partner says, "You'll find out in a minute. Now shut your trap."

For once, I quieted, but I didn't like it. Even with the birds and wildlife, the silence really bugged me, and I'd go so far as to say it upset me. I don't want to aggravate Kanda though and I bite my lip while I try to focus on the little bit of noise there was. After a few moments though, I finally crack. "Do you sleep well last night?"

"What are yo―?"

Kanda cuts himself short when he looks at me over his shoulder, and I'm nearly certain that I look like a pitiful kitten. He slows his pace and falls into step beside me. "Yes. Best night of sleep I've had in months."

I smile. "I'm glad I could contribute then."

He stares at me for a moment before he says, "You look so much better with a smile on your face."

"And there's a certain samurai who helps with that quite a bit."

"The problem is that the samurai has to annoy himself to make you smile."

"I can't help it," I whimper and look down. Kanda curses before I feel an arm slip around my waist. He doesn't comment about the action and stops walking. I glance around. It was a small clearing next to a river, which was slow-moving and had a pebble covered bottom.

**And she likes it when I find a road that's dark.**

**Can we pull up somewhere and park?**

**Turn the radio on and turn off the lights,**

**Keep doing what she likes.**

Kanda leads me to a large tree with large roots and he sat down, gesturing for me to do the same. He pulls his iPod out of his pocket and clicks on the music, and I smile. "Thank you."

"For what?" he asks, but he looks off to the side. I giggle and lean against him. "Playing music. Bringing me somewhere we can be alone with a beautiful river."

He shrugs. "It's not like I did it for you. I like quiet places."

"Then why music and bring me?"

He doesn't reply, and I kiss his cheek before I say, "I love it."

After a moment of silence, the bluenette slips an arm around my waist again. "Good, because this won't happen again."

"Unless you feel the need to pay off a debt."

"You irritate me."

"It's what I strive to do!" I reply cheerfully. He doesn't comment, and I continue, "What did you have in mind?"

"I figured you'd find something."

I smirk, but he doesn't see it as I stand, pulling him up with me, and I kick off my shoes. "I wouldn't mind a swim."

He obviously not keen on the idea, but I knew he wouldn't object. As much as he hates to admit it, which he hasn't, he wants to make me happy, even when what I want to do seems ridiculous or in this case, unnerving. Only I know about his fear of water, but the stream wasn't even a foot deep, and nothing was hiding under the pebbles.

With a defeated sigh, Kanda pulls off his shoes and tugs his shirt over his head. I watch like some sort of pervert, which I admit I am when it comes to the bluenette, as I unbutton my own shirt, but I left it on and stepped into the river. The pebbles were smooth and slippery under my feet, and the water was warmer than a pool. Sure, it was sunny in this part of the forest, but I didn't expect it to be _that_ warm. I glanced behind me to find that Kanda had hesitated to follow me, one foot in the water and one foot on the bank.

I smile and reach out a hand to him. "It's not deep. There's nothing to be scared of."

The last comment resulted in my butt hitting the bottom, and Kanda glared at me. "I'm not scared of anything."

I cough the little bit of water that had gotten in my lungs. "Right. If you aren't scared, then dunk your head in."

"I don't want my hair wet."

I give him a "quit trying to fool me; it's not working" look and sweep his legs from under him.

When he resurfaces, he splutters for a moment before he lunges at me. "Prepare to die, Moyashi."

I squeak in fright and close my eyes, but the only thing that happened was a splash. When I open my eyes, I'm hit by water and I quickly retaliate. Water begins to fly between my partner and me, but I laugh the whole time, turning my head to keep the water out of my face. After a minute of this, I put my hands in the air. "I give!"

"That's what I thought," Kanda says, but when I try to glare, I just start to laugh again.

Suddenly, lips are on mine, which surprised me to say the least, but it doesn't take long for me to reciprocate. My arms wind around Kanda's neck, and he pulls me into his lap, where my legs wrapped around his waist. When we break apart for air, I ask, "You plan for us to have sex in the water?"

He raises an eyebrow. "Who said anything about sex?"

"I did," I reply, puffing out my chest. "You started a fight, so now we can have makeup sex."

"If I remember correctly, a certain Moyashi started it."

I smile innocently and lean closer until our lips nearly touch, looking into his eyes as I whisper, "Then you should punish me for being a bad Moyashi."

He smirks. "Sounds promising."

**She likes hearing how good she looks in them blue jeans.**

**Little kisses, sweeter than sweet tea.**

**Things I whisper in her ear, oh my.**

**I like doing what she likes.**

**Like running my fingers through her long hair,**

**Lighting watermelon candles upstairs.**

**Letting them burn and holding her all night.**

**I like doing what she likes.**

I bite my lip as I stare at my reflection. My stupid, ugly reflection. I run my brush through my hair one last time before I walk back into my bedroom and lie on the bed next to Kanda, my face in my pillow.

"What's wrong with you?" he asked. "Hips hurt?"

I blush. "Nothing's wrong. They hurt a little, but I got used to it since you never really hold back on me."

"You don't like it when I hold back."

"You don't like it when I hold back," I repeat.

"But you do anyways."

"Because you aren't a masochist like I am."

Kanda pauses. "I don't think you're using that word correctly."

I glance up. "What? Why do you say that?"

"A masochist gets sexually pleasure through pain and verbal abuse."

I flop over to my side so that I could see him without craning my neck. "And? I don't want to raped or be called demeaning names, but I'm okay with you inflicting pain on me or talking dirty. You don't do it to hurt me."

After a moment, I add, "Do you?"

"I go by what your body tells me. I'm not sadistic though."

"Could've convinced me otherwise. I would peg you as a Sadistic Seme."

He rolls his eyes. "Don't Freak With Me Seme, actually."

"Not surprising. And for uke?"

He narrows his eyes, and I say, "I got Innocent Uke and Romantic Seme."

"Badbutt Uke."

"Romantic Seme and Badbutt Uke are supposedly incompatible, right?"

"You think that we are the most compatible couple ever?"

I pause. "Touché."

He doesn't reply, but after a moment, he rubs my head and messes up my hair. "It looks better when it's messy."

"And it needs it," I mutter disdainfully.

"Why do you say that?" he asks.

"Nothing."

"Moyashi, stop lying."

I curse quietly before I say, "It's white. I'm sixteen, and my hair is the color of _freaking snow_. And my scar ruined my face."

Kanda's silent for a while, but after a minute, he leans closer to me and kisses the star on my face. When he pulls away, I look down. "What was that for?"

"You're beautiful, Allen. I can't imagine you with brown hair and chocolate eyes, because now, it's who you are," he says as he strokes the locks. I feel tears pricking my eyes, but I will them away and nuzzle into Kanda's chest, something he usually objects to, and he wraps his arms around me.

"Thank you," I whisper, and he kisses the top of my head in reply.

**She likes it when I sing her old silly songs,**

**And throwing in words where they don't belong.**

**Sometimes we laugh until we almost cry,**

**Doing what she likes.**

**Doing what she likes.**

**She likes hearing how good she looks in them blue jeans.**

**Little kisses, sweeter than sweet tea.**

**Things I whisper in her ear, oh my.**

**I like doing what she likes.**

**Like running my fingers through her long hair,**

**Lighting watermelon candles upstairs.**

**Letting them burn and holding her all night.**

**I like doing what she likes.**

**Yeah, I like doing what she likes.**

**Author Note: Please, forgive me for the ending. I got so far and realized I had nothing for the end, but I decided that it would be good for the most part on its own. Please, tell me what you think, and please, Please, PLEASE REVIEW!**


	9. Beautiful Ones

**Warnings: This story is rated T for shounen-ai/yaoi and…uh…sadness…? AND SPOILER ALERT FOR THE ANIME!**

**Summary: Komui begins to realize what the Black Order is doing to everyone. Why? Why did they always sacrifice the beautiful ones?**

**Disclaimer: I don't own DGM, the characters, or the songs in the story.**

_**Beautiful Ones**_

_Original Song: "Beautiful Ones" by Poets of the Fall_

**Flies with a broken wing.**

**She's ever so graceful,**

**So like an angel,**

**But I see,**

**Tears flow quietly.**

"Komui!"

I turn to find a white-haired boy. He smiles. "I was wondering when my next mission was?"

"Allen, I'm…uh…I'm afraid you won't be going on anymore missions," I say as neutrally as I can.

"Oh, I see," he says. A blonde appeared behind him, though I had known he had been somewhere. "I told you."

Allen ignored Link. "Are you sure I couldn't go with someone? Kanda even?"

I shake my head. "I'm sorry. Central has ordered for you to be in the Order at all times."

"I thought they wanted to kill me? You know, with Neah popping in and out?" Allen asked sweetly with underlying malice.

"That's enough," Link muttered and began to pull the boy towards the cafeteria. "Time for dinner."

Allen nodded and started to walk away, but I grab his arm and whisper in his ear, "Kanda should be back from his mission at midnight."

He gave me a confused look, but I simply returned it with a "you-can't–fool-me" look. Allen smiled, not plastically this time. "Please, don't tell Link."

"Why would I? I just thought you might want to see him and Lavi."

"Thank you, Komui," he whispered before he ran after Link.

I watched them go. Other than Lenalee, Lavi, Reever, Johnny, and I, no one in the Order knew Kanda and Allen had a less than professional relationship, though the only reason Reever and I knew related to when we caught them in an empty corridor with their hands and mouths all over each other. Kanda saw us since he had his back to the wall, but he simply glared and continued to attack his partner's neck, his eyes still on us. It thoroughly creeped out Reever, but I can't say it surprised me all that much.

**The struggle she's seen this spring,**

**When nothing comes dancing,**

**Paying a handsome fee.**

**And still she smiles at me.**

I sit at the table next to the one in the back. Everyone knows the back table is the place of the closest knit group of friends in the Order, and no one sits there other than the members of that group.

The said group sat there today, all together for once in probably a month. My sister laughed at one of Lavi's jokes while Allen poked at Kanda to try something new. Link ate at a two-person table placed beside them with his eyes glued to the whitette.

"You okay, Chief?"

I glance at Reever. "Yeah, I'm fine."

"Are you sure? You've seemed really…off lately," he pressed.

"I said I'm fine!" I snap. Everyone in the cafeteria turned and looked at me. Link wrote down something in a folder. Lenalee gave me a concerned look. "Are you alright, Brother?"

I don't reply and run a hand through my hair. Reever poked at his pasta and avoided my gaze. I sigh. "I'm sorry."

He acts like he didn't hear me, but I knew he did. Sometimes, I snap at him for no reason. Only him. He knows that; I know that. And it ticks me off, but I refuse to let it show.

Suddenly, Allen screams. Kanda and Lavi hold him to the chair, obviously struggling. Even with his back to me, I can see his skin turn dark. The color flowed down his arms and then retreated, over and over. Link stands and begins to chant something, his hands held in one of those weird positions. I almost forgot. He's from CROW.

After a minute, Allen goes limp. It takes a moment for me to realize his shoulders were shuddering. Kanda quickly pulls him up and begins to lead him out of the cafeteria with an arm around his partner's waist. "No, not here."

As they pass, I open my mouth to ask if Allen was okay, but I find myself lost for words when he glances at me and smiles with tears streaming down his cheeks.

**And I can't take it.**

**No, I can't help but wonder...**

**Why do we sacrifice the beautiful ones?**

**How do you break a heart of gold?**

**Why do we sacrifice our beautiful souls?**

**Heroes of tales unsung, untold.**

Levierre hands me a file. "I want you to send Allen Walker on this assignment."

I glance over the papers and look back at him. "Just Allen?"

"And Link."

I stand from my desk and slam my hands down on the desk. "What?! You're telling me to send him into a death trap!"

Levierre's face remained neutral. "I realize that."

"He's only sixteen!"

"He's a Noah."

"If he can control it, there's no reason for him to die!"

"There isn't a guarantee he'll die."

"A town with several level fours spotted? And Noah? You expect him to survive that?"

"No, I do not."

"What about Link?"

"Link has a job."

"If he dies?"

"He dies."

oO_Oo_oO_Oo

I walk towards the cafeteria. I had given the file to Allen a few hours ago, and he was supposed to leave tomorrow morning.

All at once, my back slams into the stone wall while a hand fisted in my shirt holds me off the ground. Cobalt eyes stare at me with such hate and fury I wondered if I might burst into flames. I choke out, "K-Kanda…what…?"

"Why are you sending Moyashi into a death trap without help?" he hissed in almost a whisper, but with a deadly bite like roar.

"Let…me go…" I cough.

"Answer me, Komui!" Kanda growled.

"It's not…m-my…decision…! I…tried…."

My mind was fuzzy, and my vision slowly filled with black. Kanda released me. While I cough and try to fill my lungs with oxygen, the bluenette growled, "Send me with him."

"I can't. I would if I could, Kanda."

"Do not make me choke you again."

"And if you do, I'll report you."

Kanda narrowed his eyes. "When did you become like the rest of the Order?"

"What do you―?"

"I thought that you made it your mission to save the exorcists. What if it had been Lenalee instead of Allen?"

I don't reply.

Oo_oO_Oo_oO

A week later, Allen came back with Link. Levierre's plan backfired on him. Link had two broken ribs, a fractured arm, and concussion because he'd jumped in front of Allen to protect him. He now was in a coma.

No one noticed how close Link and Allen had become. The whitette sat at his bedside every day, most of the day, and Kanda stayed with him a lot of the time.

**Sweet as an angel sings, **

**She gives though she has none left,**

**But the last one, free,**

**Unhesitatingly.**

Lenalee handed a cup of coffee to me. "Here, Brother. If you don't get any caffeine, you may pass out!"

I smile. "Thank you, Lenalee."

She turned to leave, but my eyes drifted to her legs.

"Wait."

She glanced at me. "Yeah?"

"Where are your leggings?" I ask. Lenalee looked down at her bare legs and then back at me with a smile. "Oh, it's nothing. On my last mission, there was a little girl out in the snow without a coat, so I gave her my leggings to keep warm. Her home had no heat."

I nod.

Oo_oO_Oo_oO

I pause in the doorway of the infirmary. Lenalee, Kanda, Lavi, and Allen sat around Link's bed.

"We should sing to him. Maybe he'll wake up!" Lavi suggested cheerfully.

All eyes went to Kanda. He opened his mouth to object, but Allen's shoulders slumping forward cut him off. After a moment, he muttered, "I'm not singing alone."

"I'll help!" Lenalee chirped. "Do you know 'Given and Denied' by Poets of the Fall?"

Kanda nods. "You take the first verse."

Lenalee smiles and sings, "Which way to the fountain of my youth, I wonder? Which way to the years I let go by? Let a thirsty man drink in his memories while the water still runs sweet and crystal clear…for yesteryear. Oh, to see the sun's eclipse on the horizon like ships sailing way away from here. Oh, just one more time, my dear. 'For I go, hear me out, because of this there ain't no doubt. For it's time for curtain call, just before the shadows…."

"Fall like a leaf in the wind on the ocean of blue, like your eyes in the Twilight Theatre. And symphonies play in a world without sound. We're given and denied."

After a moment, Kanda picks up, "Give me back my innocence, 'cause I wish to dream again, like I never outgrew my old playground where the sun sets slowly with a golden crown and the leaves sing lullabies 'round vacant swings. Give me those wings. Let me fly once again, like I did way back when I would gamble and win to lift me high above the din of the future we seek. Does it hold something for me? I'm weightless again. Just before the shadows…."

"Fall like a leaf in the wind on the ocean of blue, like your eyes in the Twilight Theatre. And symphonies play in a world without sound. We're given and denied."

They sing together, "'For I go, hear me out, because of this there ain't no doubt. For it's time for curtain call, just before the shadows…."

"Fall like a leaf in the wind on the ocean of blue, like your eyes in the Twilight Theatre. And symphonies play in a world without sound. We're given and denied."

"Fall like a leaf in the wind on the ocean of blue, like your eyes in the Twilight Theatre. And symphonies play in a world without sound. We're given and denied."

Allen glanced at Lenalee as they finished the song. "Did I ever tell you what a beautiful voice you have?"

"No, but thank you," she says.

I turn and walk away.

**And I am humbled, **

**I'm a broken mirror, **

**And I can't help but wonder...**

**Why do we sacrifice the beautiful ones?**

**How do you break a heart of gold? **

**Why do we sacrifice our beautiful souls?**

**Heroes of tales unsung, untold.**

A month later, Link woke up, but he had lost his memories of the past year.

Allen changed on that day. True, he never was the perfect gentleman he pretended to be, but now, he simply did his daily activities without a word. His eating dropped, as well as his weight. He broke up with Kanda. When anyone spoke to him, he nodded, shook his head, or walked away in silence.

But of course, life went on. Kanda became as cold-hearted as ever. Lavi left the Order with Bookman. Lenalee slowly became the same as Allen. Jerry's flamboyance plummeted. No one in the Science Division spoke unless it was instructions.

**Why do we sacrifice the beautiful ones?**

** Why when they walk with love alone?**

** Why do we sacrifice our beautiful souls?**

I sit in the cafeteria with Reever. He was the only one that talked to me anymore, probably because everyone else thought what happened was my fault.

"Chief," Reever said, "they'll get over it. It'll pass."

"You've said the same thing for the past three months. Nothing's gotten better, only worse," I reply as I flip a piece of lettuce over with my fork.

We walk down the hallway in silence. After a minute, I whisper, "I'm sorry."

Reever looks at me. "Huh?"

"It's my fault. If I had only stood up to Levierre, none of this would have happened," I say quietly. I lean against the wall and close my eyes. Suddenly, lips are on mine. My eyes flash open in shock as Reever runs his hand through my hair, his other arm around my waist. I slip my arms around his neck and move my lips against his. When we break apart for air, Reever whispers, "I don't blame you. Everyone else knows what Central really is, but are afraid to blame them. It's not your fault."

I don't reply and kiss him again.

"Wenham! Lee!"

My brain doesn't register the voice until large hands forcefully separate us. Levierre glares at me. "I knew having you at this Branch was a mistake! You'll be sent to the Asian Branch. No communications allowed."

**Just trying to find their way home.**


	10. Hero

**Warning: This story is rated T for bullying, cutting, and suicidal thoughts/actions.**

**Summary: So many people are bullied. Are you a hero? Will you save a life?**

**Disclaimer: I don't own DGM, the characters, or this song.**

_**Hero**_

_Original Song: "Hero" by Superchick_

**No one sits with him.**

**He doesn't fit in,**

**But we feel like we do when we make fun of him.**

'**Cause you want to belong,**

**Do you go along?**

'**Cause his pain is the price paid for you to belong.**

_I quietly sit in the corner of the cafeteria with my head down while I ate. Stupid school rules. The teachers won't let me wear a hood, hat, or anything that would cover my freakishly white hair, even when they witness the other kids picking on me._

_A group of girls, the cheerleading squad, walked past me while they giggled and whispered words to one another just loud enough for me to hear words like "freak" and "ugly". Of course, my therapist had told me to ignore them. I can only allow what I want into my head. Easy for her to say. She doesn't have to endure it every day._ Every_ day._

_Ten minutes later, I clutch my binder close to my chest and walk quickly to my next class, which was on the other side of the school. My high school was one of the biggest in the county. One of the best, too._

_As I move to the other building, I spot a group of boys coming out of the building I was going into and I try to go around the long way, even though I know I'd be late to class if I did so. The group, five boys following the great Howard Link, noticed me though, and Link directed the others to where I was racing to get into the building where a teacher _might _help me. Mr. Tiedoll always did._

_They catch up to me, and soon, I'm surrounded._

"_Look at what we have here," Link sneered. "Little Allen No-Balls."_

_I look down, my back to the brick wall, and hold my binder as if it could protect me from the hurtful words._

_The boys laugh as Link continues, "What's wrong, Homo? Did your boyfriend dump you? I bet you cried like a little girl."_

_I mutter, "I don't have a boyfriend and I don't cry easily."_

"_Oh, really? I can prove you wrong, freak."_

_One of the boys, whom I recognize as Daisya Barry, says, "Link, we should just go. He's had enough."_

_Link turns to the younger boy with a snarl. "What? Do you have a crush on him or something?"_

"_N-no!" Daisya objected. "He's the disgusting gay, not me!"_

"_Thanks for the support," I mutter._

_I was late to class with a forming black eye and busted lip. Mr. Levierre gave me detention for being late and told me to take a seat. Road whispered something in Lulubell's ear and looked at me before they both giggled._

**It's not like you hate him or want him to die,**

**But maybe he goes home and thinks suicide,**

**Or he comes back to school with a gun at his side,**

**And a kindness from you might have saved his life.**

"_Make sure you do the laundry," Cross said and took a swig of beer. I nod and go to the basement. As I'm down there, I move the cinderblock that hid his pistol. _

_The next day, I walk to lunch quietly, the gun hidden in my backpack. When I sit down, Link, Daisya, and the other four boys sat with me._

"_Why don't we sit with you today? I hate to see you lonely," Link sneered as he took the apple in my hand and bit it. Daisya laughed. "Yeah, we'd hate to see you upset."_

"_Then you should scram," I growl as I fumble with the zipper of my backpack between my legs._

"_What was that, homo freak?" Link asked maliciously._

"_I said you should scram!" I snap and pull out the gun, cocked, loaded, and aimed at Link's head. Screams resonated through the cafeteria as people ran. I fire the pistol into the ceiling twice. "EVERYONE ON THE GROUND. NOW!"_

_Kids practically belly flopped to the tile. Link cowered under the table and pushed away anyone else trying to get under there with him. I could hear girls crying._

"_Allen?"_

_I whip around and point the gun at the figure that entered the cafeteria. Mr. Tiedoll held his hands up. "I don't have a weapon."_

"_Where are the cops?" I ask as I scan the room._

"_They're on their way," he said. I catch the sound of sirens in the distance. Mr. Tiedoll continued, "Do you want to talk?"_

_I scoff. "What is there to talk about? No one cares. The entire school knows what I go through, teachers and students alike. Why shouldn't they feel that pain?"_

"_This isn't the answer though," he said gently._

_Under one of the tables, a girl pleaded, "Please, don't―"_

"_SHUT UP!" I yell and shoot the trophy case. Glass shattered and fell on several students. I watch one of the girls on the cheerleading squad pull a large shard of glass from her shoulder._

"_Allen, they need medical attention. Just put the gun down and―"_

"_No," I growl and point the gun at Mr. Tiedoll again. "No one is leaving until they fix what they've done to me."_

_Apologies were murmured and cried through the room. My eyes narrow. "Cowards. Does the thought of dying scare you that much?"_

_Oo_oO_Oo_oO_

_I watch Allen talk to Mr. Tiedoll. _

"_Daisya, this way," a girl whispered and pointed to the hallway, where a policeman was encouraging students to move that way. I hadn't moved an inch when I heard, "No, I'm not putting up with it anymore."_

_A gun shot rang through the cafeteria, followed by the sound of a body hitting the floor. I turn, wide-eyed, and expect to see Mr. Tiedoll on the ground._

_Allen's body lay on the floor, his white hair stained red. Blood pooled around his head, and the pistol remained clutched in his hand._

**Heroes are made when you make a choice.**

**You could be a hero―heroes do what's right.**

**You could be a hero―you might save a life.**

**You could be a hero―you could join the fight.**

**For what's right, for what's right, for what's right.**

"Oh, really? I can prove you wrong, freak," Link said.

I say, "Link, we should just go. He's had enough."

Link turns to me with a snarl. "What? Do you have a crush on him or something?"

"N-no," I object. I look at Allen, his head down and eyes filled with hate. I swallow the lump in my throat and stand beside him. "No, I don't have a crush on him, but I am his friend."

Allen stared at me. Link sneered, "Oh, friend, my butt. You two probably screw in private."

"And if we do, you're just jealous that no girl will go at it with you," I fire back. The rest of the boys snickered.

Link glared at me. "You'll regret this."

With that, he stalked to his next class and his minions followed, minus me.

"Thanks," Allen mumbled. I smile. "No problem. Now let's get to class."

At lunch, I sat with Allen. No one talked to us very much, but my brother, Kanda, always sat with us. He was my older brother, so I always thought of him as a role model. When Allen walked away to throw away his trash, Kanda glanced at me. "I knew you were smarter than Link."

I smile. "Does that mean you're proud?"

"Is that a life goal of yours?"

"Yes," I said. Kanda rolled his eyes and stood. "I'm not proud yet. In a few years, maybe."

_Kanda would have been the perfect bully, _I thought as he walked away.

**No one talks to her, she feels so alone.**

**She's in too much pain to survive on her own.**

**The hurt she can't handle overflows to a knife.**

**She writes on her arm and wants to give up her life.**

_I stare at the scars before I search for an empty space. When I finally find one, I slide my pocketknife across it._

_As I walk through the halls the next day, I can feel eyes on me. Girls whisper to one another while I try to hide myself in my locker. My leggings covered my cuts perfectly, though my short skirt was hard to miss. Everyone thought I was a ho. No, I just can't afford anything else and have been wearing the same skirts since grade school. They went to my knees then._

_I close my locker and turn, only to bump into the hottest guy in school._

"_Watch it," Kanda muttered. I quickly look down. "I'm s-sorry."_

_He pauses for a moment, and the bell rings. I move towards my next class, but Kanda stops me. _

"_I'm going to be late," I say._

"_I'll get an excuse for you later," he says._

"_You can do that?"_

"_It's complicated, but yes."_

_No one else was in the hall except us. After a few awkward moments of silence, Kanda says, "Lenalee Lee, right? Komui's sister?"_

"_How do you know my brother?" I ask. He shrugs. "My father has…connections."_

"_Who's your father?"_

"_Tiedoll."_

"_The psychology teacher?"_

"_Yes."_

"_Um…so what has he told you about me?" I ask hesitantly. Kanda leans against the lockers. "You could say I'm an office worker. I know Komui is barely able to keep a roof over your head."_

"_O-oh," I say. "Did…did you tell anyone else?"_

"_No one even knows I have that information."_

_After a few more awkward moments of silence, he asks, "Do you always wear leggings?"_

"_I…I don't like having too much skin showing."_

_He nods and walks down the hall. "Get to class. If the teacher asks you where you were, tell them I wanted to talk to you."_

_When I walk into my science class, Mrs. Nine puts her hands on her hips. "Miss Lee, what took you so long?"_

"_I…um…Kanda wanted to talk to me," I say. She nods. "Take a seat and get out your homework. We're going over it."_

**Each day she goes on is a day that she's brave,**

**Fighting the lie that giving up is the way.**

**Each moment of courage her on life she saves.**

**When she throws the pills out, a hero is made.**

_The rest of the day went smoothly. I think. No one else talked to me. But the next day, I was called to the principal's office._

"_Ooh, you're in trouble," a girl sneered as I walk past her._

_The woman at the front desk pointed me to the back. When I walked in, Kanda sat in the desk chair. He glanced at me and said, "Sit."_

_I nod and do so. I ask, "Am I in trouble?"_

"_No, nothing like that," he said. "I just need you to do something."_

"_What is it?" I ask._

"_Take off your leggings."_

_I freeze for a moment before I snap, "Sick pervert!"_

_Kanda gazes at me, his expression calm. "I can already see your upper thigh. It's not like I'm telling you to pull up your skirt."_

"_You're still a pervert!"_

"_Pervert or not, your attitude is obvious," he says. I pause. "What do you mean?"_

"_Are you a cutter?"_

_I look down._

"_I must say, using your leggings to hide the scars is smarter than wearing long-sleeves," he comments._

"_I'm not a cutter," I say._

"_Unconvincing."_

"_Doesn't matter."_

"_Prove it then."_

_Silence falls over the room for several minutes. Eventually, I ask, "What are you going to do?"_

_Kanda leans back in his chair. "I'm not a bad guy. However, there is a counseling group that meets every Saturday that I would like for you to go to. The school will pay for it, and I'll drive you there if you don't want your brother to know yet."_

"_No, I'll tell my brother."_

oO_Oo_oO_Oo

_The next day, I woke up, and Lenalee hadn't made coffee yet. All the lights in the house were off. Confused, I knocked on my sister's door. "Lenalee?"_

_No answer._

"_Lenalee, I'm coming in," I say and turn the knob. As soon as I see the sight, I vomit. Lenalee had two long cuts vertically up her arms, and blood covered her skin and the carpet._

**Heroes are made when you make a choice.**

**You could be a hero―heroes do what's right.**

**You could be a hero―you might save a life.**

**You could be a hero―you could join the fight.**

**For what's right, for what's right, for what's right.**

Silence falls over the room for several minutes. Eventually, I ask, "What are you going to do?"

Kanda leans back in his chair. "I'm not a bad guy. However, there is a counseling group that meets every Saturday that I would like for you to go to. The school will pay for it, and I'll drive you there if you don't want your brother to know yet."

That weekend, I told Komui that Kanda was a good friend, though Brother wasn't very happy with me getting in a car alone with a boy.

As Kanda drove down the road, I ask, "So what are you exactly?"

"A human male."

"I mean, you said you were like an office worker."

"And?"

"And you're nothing like one."

He pauses. "I work for the school."

"You're not a student?"

"I turned twenty-three a few months ago. Little old for high school," he said.

"You look so young!" I reply. Kanda shrugs. "I get that a lot. Most people think I'm seventeen."

"I'm still confused though," I say.

"Too bad," he said as he pulled over next to a small house. "A woman named Fou should open the door. Tell her I brought you, and I'll be back in a few hours."

"A lot of people seem to know you," I comment, but he doesn't reply.

On Monday, I sat with Kanda, Daisya, and Allen at lunch. It was new for me. The whole sitting and talking with other people thing. Kanda never said a word, but Allen and Daisya kept a steady conversation. I turn to the bluenette. "So what do you do all day?"

**No one talks to him about how he lives.**

**He thinks that the choices he makes are just his.**

**Doesn't know he's a leader with the way he behaves,**

**And others will follow the choices he's made.**

I glance at Lenalee. "What do you mean?"

"Well, you don't go to class, right?" she asks.

I shrug. "I wander the halls, stay in the office, or sometimes I'll sit in the back of classrooms."

"Don't people figure out you're always there?"

"Most don't know I exist."

She giggles, and I raise an eyebrow at her. "What?"

"You're clueless!"

"Why is that?"

"Kanda, everyone knows you. You're infamous!"

"For what?"

"Being the hottest guy in school."

"The compliments just go on and on."

Oo_oO_Oo_oO

"Haven't you tried exercising?" one of the girls sneered. Another said, "No way! She can't put down her candy long enough!"

Miranda sat on the floor, head between her knees. When the bell rang, she didn't move. I quietly sit beside her. When she looks at me, her eyes widen. "K-Kanda?"

"And your name is Miranda, right?" I ask.

"How do you know my name?" she replies, shocked. I shrug. "I try to learn everyone's name."

"But why are you here? Don't you have class? Don't you hate me like everyone else?"

"You'd be amazed."

"I don't understand."

I lean back on the lockers. "Not everyone hates you. Why don't you sit with me at lunch later?"

She nods, and I take her hand. I run my thumb over the scratches on her knuckles. "And stop purging."

"I-I…how…you…?"

"Miranda," I say. She stopped and looked up at me as I continue, "You're beautiful. Those girls are jealous that you can get up in the morning and come to school without fancy makeup and a new hairstyle while they have to every day to keep their status. Besides, I know a very sweet guy who's had his eye on you for a while."

"W-who?"

"Let's just say he can't really keep an eye on you. Just his ears."

She smiles. "Marie?"

"But you didn't hear it from me," I tease and stand.

"Kanda?"

"Hm?"

"Thank you," Miranda whispered. I nod. "Tell your teacher you were with me."

**He lives on the edge. He's old enough to decide.**

**His brother who wants to be him is just nine.**

**He can do what he wants because it's his right.**

**The choices he makes change a nine-year-old's life.**

When I get home, I can smell cookies. I roll my eyes. "Dad, what the heck? Why are you making cookies of all things?"

"Yuu!"

That's the closest thing to a warning I got before a bundle of energy took me to the floor. The redhead smiled. "I made the cookies! Daddy just helped!"

"Great, more sweets," I mutter. Lavi stares at me. "Don't you want one?"

I say, "I'm not one for cookies."

Lavi pouts.

"But I will eat one," I give. The rabbit hopped off me and smiled. "Yay!"

I stand. Lavi outstretches his arms. "Carry me."

"You're nearly nine. I can't carry you around like when you were five."

"Please?"

Tiedoll stared at me as I walked into the kitchen, Lavi on my hip. I say, "Don't ask."

Daisya and Marie looked up from their card game. Daisya asked, "Why don't I get piggyback rides anymore?"

"If you want one, get it from Marie," I say. Marie shakes his head. "No, thank you."

Lavi took a cookie from the plate on the table. "Yuu, did you save anyone today?"

"Something like that," I say. Lavi smiles. "When I grow up, I want to be just like you!"

I set the redhead in a chair and crouch in front of him. "And why is that?"

"You're a hero! Like superman!" he said. "You save people all the time!"

"You have more potential though. You could be something much, much better," I say.

**Heroes are made when you make a choice.**

**You could be a hero―heroes do what's right.**

**You could be a hero―you might save a life.**

**You could be a hero―you could join the fight.**

**For what's right, for what's right, for what's right.**

Tiedoll hit me in the head with an oven mitt. I glare. "What was that for?"

He sits next to Marie. "Not everyone can do what you do. You may not have more than a high school diploma, but you are the only person I know who can spot hurting people."

"Correction, I'm the only one who tries."

"You're the only one who cares," Tiedoll said. Lavi adds, "And I want to care about other people! I want to help!"

"Do you want a lesson?" I ask. Lavi nods excitedly. I continue, "Make people smile."

"Smile?" he asks.

I nod. "I have my ways, and one of them is making people smile. I don't have to be goofy like you to do that, but you can make people smile just by being yourself."

"Do I make you smile?"

"Yes. I just keep it inside," I tease.

**Little Mikey D. was the one in class who everyday got brutally harassed.**

**This went on for years until he decided that never again would he shed another tear.**

**So he walked through the door, grabbed a four-four out of his father's dresser drawer.**

**And said I can't take life no more.**

**And like that life can be lost.**

**But this ain't even about that.**

**All of us just sat back and watched it happen.**

**Thinking it's not my responsibility to solve a problem that isn't even about me.**

**This is our problem.**

**This is just one of the daily scenarios which we choose to close our eyes,**

**Instead of doing the right thing.**

**If we make a choice and be the voice for those who won't speak up for themselves,**

**How many lives would be saved?**

**Changed?**

**Rearranged?**

**Now it's our time to pick a side.**

**So don't keep walking by,**

**Not wanting to intervene,**

**Because you just wanna exist and never be seen.**

**So let's wake up and change the world.**

**Our time is now!**

**You could be a hero (Our time is now).**

**Heroes do what's right.**

**You could be a hero (Our time is now).**

**You might save a life.**

**You could be a hero―you could join the fight (Our time is now).**

**For what's right, for what's right.**

Lavi's face turned serious. "I want to be a hero."

I nod. "Good. The world needs more of them."

**Are you a hero?**


End file.
